Where I end and you begin - The Midnight Cowboy
by Human Being
Summary: Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into his past to revisit his life; and seek what he had lost. - Yaoi fic, angst, Ranma-centric (POV).
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s

**Warning:** This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.  
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.

* * *

Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.

OOO

OBS.: Fic formerly named as **Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial**, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.

This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named **Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper)**. It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.

Then, on with the show.

* * *

**Where I end and you begin**

**(The Midnight Cowboy)**

* * *

**Prologue**

* * *

"_I can watch but not take part  
Where I end and where you start_"  
Radiohead - Where I end and you begin

* * *

Late at night, the glinting sound of the key unlocking the door was the only sound in the empty hall in the rather small, but fancy condo she called home. Once inside, she took off his shoes and tossed her things on a corner, heading to the kitchen to fix something to eat.

As much as her housemaid was a good cook, she preferred to do it by herself: she had a rather restrictive diet and no one better than her to know what she could or couldn't eat to prevent gaining unnecessary weight in fat. Not that she wasn't vain about her body, though. She was, and she knew precisely how beautiful said body was; but most of her efforts to keep it were a professional requirement, since being lean, slender and muscled were much better for business.

She ate in silence at the kitchen, not bothering to set a table in the dining room for that. Then she headed to her room to take a bath and clean up from the sweat of one more day of hard training. Inside the small tub, she turned the hot water, which immediately made its trick – the firm and well-built female form turned into the male finely muscled body of the high-end fighter he had become. He was very used to it by now, actually; and paid it no mind.

He had far more things in his head to think about.

It was a quick bath, though. He dressed to his boxers only, and sprawled himself on his futon to watch some TV. Which quickly bored him, too; as he turned out the TV sighed heavily. The silence and calm of his place was a soothing balm from time to time, but not today. Today, that calm was hauntingly hollow, and quickly filled by thoughts about… Everything. He laid his head on the pillows, letting out heavy sighs in a try to lighten the weight on his chest. Trying to sleep would do no good, either.

He rolled to his stomach, turning up a lamp just beside him and pulling a sketchbook and a pencil. No one would say he'd be someone to write down stuff on a notebook, but the few times he tried, emptying his thoughts on that sheets of paper helped him to ease his mind and the sensation something was missing inside of him. And help him deal with his share on how and why he felt like this.

_That_ would be hard as hell. He, the one who always wins, had his share of failure; and God knew how much he missed what he had lost.

The pencil started to scribble the paper, as the words poured from his head.

It would be a long night, anyway.

_"…And there will be no more lies." _

OOO

* * *

Yeah, you got it right – I am revising and reediting Brand into this fic. And I WILL finish this, be you all sure of it! Also, there will be a sister-fic which portraits the… other main character of this story. That one will be quite different from this fic, but they kind of complete themselves, in a way.

Then again, to the footnotes.

- I know Ranma is normally portrayed as a not very bright guy, but you got to remember that now everybody is supposed to be older. So, it´s natural that Ranma's more confortable to talk about feelings and stuff.

- Also, I also know Ranma is, until further irrevocable proof, straight on canon. But it's my fic, it's my world, I will put things this way and period. But I will get to explain how in hell it happened, and the unfolding of this.

Then again, pardon the typing and grammar mistakes, English may not be my mother tongue, but I´ll do my best to keep them from happening.

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 01/19/2014


	2. The child is gone

**Disclaimer:** Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s

**Warning:** This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.  
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.

* * *

Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.

OOO

OBS.: Fic formerly named as **Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial**, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.

This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named **Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper)**. It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.

Then, on with the show.

* * *

**Where I end and you begin**

**(The Midnight Cowboy)**

* * *

**The Child is gone**

* * *

_"And your fear to be afraid of being afraid  
doesn't turn my strength into confusion  
Your body is my mirror, in which I sail away  
But the way you drift lacks a sense of direction"_  
Daniel na Cova dos Leões – Legião Urbana (free translation to English)

...

_~Ranma Saotome's journal – first entry_.

It´s funny to see my own life on perspective, like this. Can be a truly revealing experience. Looking back, it´s really easy to identify all the fails and mistakes that led me to here and now. From others, but most especially mine.

Sure, I lived an interesting life. Hell, isn´t it an understatement, my life was insane. My father was less than wise, some of his decisions towards me were disastrous, to say the least, and the Jusenkyo curse didn´t help at all. Also, I truly was a magnet for insane situations and insane people. But, after all, I liked it.

Felt sort of secure, in a way.

But despite that, this life was the one set up for me by my parents at the very moment I was born. It was not supposed to be mine to live, my love was not supposed to be mine to give. For a lot of time I resented that. But, what if things were different? If I could´ve chosen my path from the beginning, woudn´t I trap myself on a lie of my own? I don´t know. Maybe my strength lies exactly in the fact that, somehow, I tried to live the life that they made up for me, and I tried my best; but failed miserably.

And it's not only me, you know. Anyway, what kind of crazy shit happens when a tornado meets a volcano?

Oh, sorry, I'm ahead of myself already. Might as well start from the beginning... Ok, not really the beginning, but at least the beginning of the end.

As said the song, the end of the world as I knew it.

After the failed wedding and Jusendo, my life drifted to something that could even resemble normality. My other fiancées settled down a little, maybe of guilt for crashing the ceremony. I and Akane continued to live our lives as if nothing happened, but she seemed to calm a bit, and I grew a little closer to her. Everything was fine, and as almost two years passed, it stayed fine. Of course, if someone brought the wedding issue again we would freak out, and this way we managed to postpone another attempt to marry us. At some point Akane decided she would apply to college, despite Mr. Tendo´s annoyance. Seeing the opportunity, I backed her up and went all for it, even applying for college myself.

Back then I liked her a lot, and even thought I loved her, but I knew we were not ready for even considering a relationship. At least, I knew for sure I wasn't.

Truth is that my knowledge and experiences about feelings and relationship were almost none. With the life-on-the-go I use to have, it´s no wonder that I had such a few friends, let alone girlfriends. Girls were a totally uncharted territory to me, even to think about them as friends only.

I had very little training in social skills, and almost zero in sexual matters. To be honest, the first sexual situations I was ever exposed to came from the nature of my curse – yes, the infamous kiss Mikado Sanzenin stole from me in my girl form. Great, huh? Then, confused as hell, I suppressed most of my sexual urges with my control as a martial artist and my obsession by the Art itself. Sure, I could think about sex and pleasure myself as a guy, but even this felt weird, like if it was someone else doing it in my body, not me.

Until then, I never felt the lust and infatuation my peers described to be so overwhelming; and I thought it to be a good thing. I saw it as for weaklings, for people like Kuno. I truly believed that all of this about lust, infatuation, physical attraction and so was way overstated, never really imagined myself going through something like that, and saw absolutely no problem in it.

Until the day it happened to me.

It is said that one single event can change your life, and mine did when I was eighteen. Life was doing fine, when madness came to knock at my door again.

I received a phone call from Akari, Ryoga´s steady for almost two years by then, saying that she was very concerned because he went missing on a so-called training trip.

Now, let's clarify things: I know that, for the Ryoga Hibiki we all used to know so well, getting lost in a training trip was not only normal, but expected. But then again, some things had changed for the Lost Boy.

For starters, he wasn't so 'lost' anymore. After he got into a relationship with Akari and joined her in her sumo wrestling pigs farm, Ryoga managed to get lost much less than usual. I didn't know then if it had to do with the fact he wasn't getting lost so often, or with his relationship with Akari, or them both; but he was changing, picking up with normal life: stopping his acts as P-chan, quitting his obsession over Akane, keeping up with school again. To his credit, he wasn't stupid at all – Sure no one will remember him as the brightest dude in the pack or whatever, but if we come to think of it, I am a living proof that back in Junior High he got lost an awful lot, but managed to keep up to the rest of the class. Also, his directional issues did have its advantages: the guy could speak a lot of languages and knew a lot of different cultures.

Anyway, despite Akari´s good influences, Ryoga still had some issues on his own. Granted, he was less prone to his usual mood swings and his raging temper wasn't always getting the best of him as before, (which, by the way, was great for his martial skills); but he still used to get depressed a lot and certainly still could hold a grudge forever. And he had a terrible time dealing with his curse. So, of course he didn't stop his martial training and neither stopped seeking for a cure for 'P-chan'.

Then, somehow in the middle of a training trip, he managed to get involved with a demon wizard who could control water, ice and the temperature; my bets he was seeking for another promise of cure since Jusenkyo and nannichuan were hopeless. Rumors had he was about to win the match against the demon, but things went wrong and, by the time Akari called, he went missing in the mountains' woods in the middle of a clearly unnatural snow storm.

Well, despite our differences he was the closest thing I had as a best friend, so I couldn´t go and leave him alone. I packed my things and went after him. Getting there at the forest, things were worse than I thought. Ryoga was kicking the demon's ass, yes, but as the warlock struck back he was generating a terrible snowstorm that would freeze the Lost Boy to death. I made him retreat for a while, so we could figure out a way to win without turning into ice statues in the process.

At first, he wasn't exactly happy to see me. He'd thought I had given up the hopes of finding a cure for our curses, and I had to put some sense into his head; what was, to his credit, much easier than I thought. Clearly there would be no cure there, and honestly I ever doubted that we would find it someday. Then we made ourselves a shelter in a small cave nearby, which could protect us from the icy wind of the storm, and we figured out a way to vanquish the wizard for good.

The battle came, and as usual it was way less smooth than expected. But somehow we managed to win. But what I didn´t expect was that the wizard's vanquishing would make the snowstorm tenfold worse. As a result we got caught in the middle of that, dangerously close to a frozen river, while Ryoga had just finished the demon warlock with a Shi Shi Hokodan. The wind was truly icy, and the blast sent us in the very direction of the river. As we landed, I got splashed with some cold water and turned female instantly.

"Hey, you damn idiot, watch out! If you get wet, you'll freeze to death!" Ryoga shouted at me, while he managed to avoid the spree of water. I was about to shout back an insult, when an earthquake shook our ground. As I steadied myself I realized where Ryoga was, and my blood ran colder than the icy weather that he warned me about.

He was kneeling over the frozen surface of the river, which could break at any time under his weight. As the wind was in his direction, he was trying to protect his eyes, so he couldn't see very clearly as I could.

"Ryoga, don't move! DON´T YOU MOVE!"

"What? Can't hear you!"

"DON´T MOVE, DAMMIT!"

When he lowered his eyes and saw the beneath his feet ice crackling; another earthquake ensued, this one even stronger. Much stronger. Ryoga somehow managed to stand on his feet, but the second earthquake took his balance and he fell on his knees, broke the ice and fell in the river.

"SHIT!" I tried to reach him, but the rest of the ice covering the waters broke as well, letting the bottom waters to flow and carry him away. I ran along the margin of the river, feeling the temperature fall dangerously. "Curse you, stupid pig-butt!"

The situation was bad: Ryoga turned to P-chan, got entangled in his clothes, carried away by the stream. As I could see, he didn´t reach surface to gasp for air in a good while, and the water was very, very, very cold; even more so for a small piglet. I was running for dear life when I realized his clothes got trapped in some bushes. But in order to get them I would have to wet myself. Cursing and cussing I undressed to my boxers only and got inside the water, feeling my body ache with the extreme cold. His cursed form was entangled in his yellow blouse, icy cold and not breathing. I dried myself with my tanktop, dressed as quick as I could and sprinted to the shelter with the piglet and his wet clothes.

As I got there, I realized the shelter was too small for making a fire inside of it, and I needed to warm some water fast to turn Ryoga back to human. Luckily I found a big thermos with warm water inside of his backpack and doused some on him. No turning back to human. I began to desperate, and drenched him with all the warm water of the thermos, not caring about changing to male myself. This time he did change back to his very naked human form, but he was not breathing. I started to compress his chest and make mouth-to-mouth breathing, and after several minutes he spurted a good lot of water and started to breathe on his own. But he was still unconscious, and even his breathing was shallow and irregular.

He was extremely hypothermic: pale as dead, with his lips and fingertips with a slight shade of purple. I had to warm him up, fast, or he would die of cold. I was shivering beyond my control; the cave we were in was too small to harbor us both and a fire and the snowstorm outside was certain death. I grabbed our sleeping bags and all our blankets, tossed him in and entered inside as well. I realized my best shot to keep him alive and me from plain hypothermia was using one another's body heat, and without thinking further I pressed close to a comatose Ryoga, entangling my legs on his and holding his chest against my own.

As time passed, I grew warmer and so he did. He didn't look as bad as before, the purplish color of his lips was gone. But his breathing was still weak and shallow, barely noticeable, and he was frighteningly still. I was scared: he spent a lot of time under the water; one could wonder if he got some degree of brain damage by lack of oxygen, but I knew he was a really tough guy and, in this case, the hypothermia could actually be helpful. I tried to wake him up, no use. He was still cold, so I pressed closer.

I never, ever _willed_ to be physically so close to anyone to anyone, until so. Sometimes I held Akane in my arms and, okay, there was Shampoo in the tub and that episode with Kiima disguised as Akane and other few ones; but that was different: not a trap, not a scheme – I was holding him, it wasn't someone rubbing on me. Of course, the entire situation would justify it all, but didn't stop me from realizing how close to his naked body I was. Imagining I would have some trouble explaining that to him, I pulled myself a little to check on him for any sign of consciousness.

Then it hit me.

I never really noticed, but the Ryoga I used to know was growing into a man. A really handsome one. Not that he wasn't a good-looking boy, he always had been despite his ever-present lack of concern for his looks; to the point I sometimes used to worry myself about how the other girls would react if he someday decided to quit the scruffy-looking style to something neat. But as his teenage years were ending, his face slenderized and hardened a bit, losing the babyish roundness it used to have; then even the things that didn't seem to 'fit' well ended up falling right in place.

His black hair was thick, sleek, almost covering his eyes, hiding his delineated eyebrows and an impressive set of black eyelashes. His chin and cheekbones were stronger, complying very well his nose and eyes. And his lips, parted as they were, seemed soft, yielding, not too slim and not too thick. His fangs weren't as proeminent as they used to be in his early teens. Actually, they complement his elongated teeth creating an interesting smile and a 'wolfish' aura on him, mixing his pretty features with a hint of danger. Too bad he smiles so little, I thought. His nose, however, was still something I, myself, always envied him for: slender, finely sculpted and a bit snubby; in his early teens it helped to give him an either angry or cocky look, but as his cheeks slenderized it grew to be seriously beautiful. One could even bet he never broke it despite his training to master Bakusai Tenketsu. Granted, the face I was looking at was a very attractive face of a young man. Not like mine, though: my face, despite being undeniably handsome, looked sometimes too much delicate, even male I resemble too much of my mother. Not to mention his body, though. Years of rough martial training gave him a well built and muscular body, which I was very aware of under my embrace.

But what was really messing with me was his scent. Not even Akane smelled that good. Nothing I knew smell that good. A musky, yet delicate scent that no essence could mimic. I was losing myself in that vision of him, feeling him getting warmer in my arms, the scent of him was flooding my nostrils and scrambling my brain, it wasn't even funny. His tanned skin was soft, remarkably soft for a man. Damn, I wasn't that soft myself. I can surely, positively say that I never, ever, ever in my entire life felt something like this sensorial overload.

But when I snapped out of it, I got terrified. So terrified that I jumped out of the sleeping bag, desperate to get away from all that. No use. _He_ was branded in my mind, like a spell that could not be undone.

I was panting, my heart pounding into my chest, and as hard as I tried to deny it, I knew it was from arousal. Not even the cold cut it out of me.

I couldn't believe myself: Me, Ranma Saotome, heir of the Anything Goes Martial Arts School, betrothed in marriage to Akane Tendo, a man among men, was _aroused _by another man. Ryoga, no less. It was too much information to my brain to process, let alone to analyze and understand. But I knew I couldn't blame Ryoga, fast unconscious and trembling in the sleeping bag. Yet, that concept was impossible, it just couldn't BE.

So I did the only thing I could muster to save my face: I blamed the curse. I got out of the cave in the middle of the storm, grabbed some snow and put inside a pot, I had to turn male fast. I used the gas lamp to warm it, in the corner of my eye I could see Ryoga breathing less and less. I was trembling as well, I knew I had to go back to the sleeping bag and stay warm. As the water boiled I doused myself on the forearm and then turned male again. I saved some of the water on the pot and came back to the sleeping bag. I thought my problems were over, and cursed my curse again. A guy wasn't supposed to feel things like that, right?

Hah.

To my absolute horror, the sensations that flooded my senses as a girl didn't abandon me when I changed to a guy. As my true self, my body seemed to communicate faster to my brain. It actually got worse. A lot worse.

There was the scent, that absurd scent flooding my nostrils again. Feeling it as a guy was an even more intense experience, if possible. My rough and calloused hands were then touching his bare skin, with powerful muscles underneath. I realized what girls already know: chicks can conceal arousal better than guys. I closed my eyes and pressed myself onto him, my face was inches from his. I could feel his weak breath on my face, even this smelled good. I couldn't help it, almost brushing his lips with mine, my hands feeling his sides and the small of his back. I could feel my erection throbbing beneath my pants, almost painful.

Then I squeezed my eyes shut and summoned a word which always could cut out each and every sign of sexual manifestation I ever had, which was always used to offend me; but funny as it never sounded so appropriate:

Pervert.

I got out of the sleeping bag again. Blushing furiously, now with tears in my eyes. What the hell was happening to me? Why?

Realization hits: it was not the girl in me, not the curse who got aroused by the man. Because I am NOT a girl, not even when I wear a girl's body when I get wet. It was ME. Ranma. Male.

Pervert.

I pictured Akane looking at me, her familiar scowl on her face. I never wanted so hard to be malleted in my whole life.

Pervert.

Not Kuno, with his madness towards Fair Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Goddess. Not Ryoga, with his obsession over Akane and his alter-ego P-chan. Not Mousse, with his masochist fixation on Shampoo. Not Happosai, with his geriatric lust over undergarments.

Me. Pervert.

Aroused by Ryoga. Pressing myself on him. Feeling his smell, rubbing myself on him, almost kissing him while he is unconscious. And it's not his fault. He can't even defend himself. He has a girlfriend; I have a fiancée, for fuck's sake.

Pervert.

I knew I needed to go back in the sleeping bag. If I didn't, he could die of cold. I couldn't, I… feared myself.

Pervert.

I stifled a sob. I couldn't cry, men don't cry.

Men don't get aroused by other men either.

I was no man, had never been. My God, I was…

A Pervert. Akane was right.

I grabbed the rest of the water I warmed to turn male. It's cold now. I douse myself and turn into a girl again. I almost felt relieved, as my body changed and hid my former erection.

Utterly defeated, cold and desperate, I went back to the sleeping bag. I knew what waited for me there.

His face; finally rid of the stormy distortion of his features by anger and settled into near perfection. His body, less warm because of my prolonged retreat, but still so soft under my touch. His scent... The arousal was there, but it didn't show. I was a girl.

I tried to control myself, not press too close. Hard thing to do inside of a sleeping bag, and suddenly I'd catch myself nuzzling my nose and my cheeks on his face, almost touching his lips.

Get a grip… pervert.

I didn't know how much time it took for the storm to end. As it ended, the temperature raised a little. Ryoga began to react, stirring a little. A while later, he groaned, and slowly opened his eyes.

"Ranma?"

I looked at him, trying my very best to act natural.

"Hyia, P-chan… you gave me a scare, you know." My voice was hoarse, he didn't notice.

"Uh…" I tried to stay as far as possible of his body as he began to feel himself under the sleeping bag. "Wha… Am I naked?"

"What did you expect? You managed to soak your clothes entirely and no way they could've dried in this storm."

"And you're still a girl?"

"Yeah, used the whole warm water to turn you back into a guy and maybe warm ya a little."

"Shit" He lowered his eyes, in embarrassment. If he knew…

"Do you have a spare inside your backpack? P-chan?"

"Guess so, at least a pair of trousers and a clean shirt."

"It's too cold for only that, you know."

"Why, genius, do YOU have a spare with you?"

"Uh, as much as you do… guess you'll have to wait until your clothes dry up"

"Yah. Besides I'm too sore to stand up now"

"I´ll put them out to dry, then." I got out of the sleeping bag and grabbed his damp clothes, then put them to dry in the front of the cave. It was still freezing outside, but the sky was sunny. When I got back inside, he was staring at me.

"Uh… Ranma…"

He looked at me with some confusion in his eyes. Confusion, but maybe something more. Can't say what, I didn't want to look too much to him.

"What?"

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"Uh… could you turn to your back? I´ll put some clothes on"

Normally I would crack a joke here. Something like taunting him being embarrassed of me being a girl. Couldn't do it anymore.

"Uh… okay."

He dressed to a pair of black trousers, shirt and socks.

"You decent?"

"Yup" He nods and gives some space for me in the sleeping bag. "Come inside here, it´s really cold."

"Okay."

As I was getting into the sleeping bag, he stammered.

"Uh…"

"Hm?"

"Won't you change back to a guy?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"Er, too much trouble to boil water without a fire, don'tcha think?"

"Oh, I see."

I got inside the sleeping bag, thanking every god I knew I was a girl at that moment. He seemed to be a little awkward and turned to his side, facing me but not pressing close as I did to warm him, not at all. But I really didn´t care at that moment. Surely he wasn't at the situation I was.

"So" I continued talking. "How do you feel?"

"Like hell."

"Still cold?"

"Yeah…" He was shivering a little.

With his eyes open, he managed to look even better than before. He has these big hazel eyes. And sometimes – when the light hits them just right – they are either golden or almost moss green.

As I needed to distract myself, we started some small talk about life in general. Actually, I never really talked like this to him – we were always too much busy fighting each other. It was funny, because, despite his mood swings, Ryoga could be a good talker and a good listener. When you catch him in a good mood, that is.

After a while, the weather was a bit warmer, and we decided to gather our things and go back. As he really wasn´t in a good condition for a long walk, I turned him into P-chan and carried him and our both backpacks for a while. It was such a relief, because in his cursed form he couldn´t affect me that much, and I could be more comfortable as a male.

I was uneasy, as we got to Nerima and he had to turn back to human. When he did, he was still sore and a little sick. After some arguing, I convinced him to go to Dr. Tofu´s for a checkup. As the doctor decided to keep him for some observation, I got back to the Dojo.

As I came back, I got finally alone. Then tried my hardest not to think about what happened in that cave. It was nothing, meant nothing. I put myself together. Nobody should know, I couldn´t abide that. It became my darkest secret.

I decided to bury it as deep as I could.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

There you are - FINALLY, Ranma's point of view of the events to come. The first difference you'll see is Ranma is the narrator - just imagine yourself peeking on his journal. I do know both of them aren't the brightest guys on Nerima, but he is writing this years after the end of the manga; and some time after the events to come in this story. On Ryoga's story, however, he's not the narrator; I couldn't picture him having a journal and taking such a deep dive on himself; so I decided to make a third-person narrative, but yet in POV. Ryoga's fic goes prospectively, and Ranma's retrospectively. But now they meet - and some of the events will be portrayed on both perspectives.

Then again, to those who might've read this story before - many thing will change, I hope for the best.

So, hope you like it, and stay tuned.

* * *

Human Being, 01/27/2014


	3. Bid me farewell

**Disclaimer:** Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s

**Warning:** This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.  
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.

* * *

Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.

OOO

OBS.: Fic formerly named as **Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial**, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.

This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named **Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper)**. It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.

Then, on with the show.

* * *

**Where I end and you begin**

**(The Midnight Cowboy)**

* * *

**Bid me farewell**

* * *

_"Stay...with the demons you drowned  
Stay...with the spirit I found  
Stay...and the night would be enough"  
_Stay – U2

_~Ranma Saotome's journal – Second entry: _

Past a couple days from the fight against the wizard and everything after that, Ryoga got better and eventually came to the Dojo for a visit. Sure he got a bit late – he wasn't crossing Japan while trying to find the Tendo Dojo anymore, but it didn't mean he couldn't mess up from time to time. The difference is he was getting lost only by a few blocks, not by a few cities. Anyway, I was aiming to avoid him like the damn plague, so I tried to stay out of his sight. If he'd noticed that I was avoiding him, he didn´t show. Come to think of it, seemed that he even felt more comfortable like that.

But then, a little before he left, he came to me for a talk.

"Ranma?"

I was at the dojo, training. I avoided his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Are you busy?"

"Not right now." I replied, turning my back to him. "Whaddya want?"

"Wanted to say thank you…"

"Come on, it´s no big deal" I turned to face him, his eyes staring at me. I averted mine, I couldn't abide his gaze. _Please, don´t let him notice._

"And I want to say I´m sorry"

"What for?"

"You know" He lowered his eyes; I could see he was uneasy. "I wasn´t exactly a nice person to you in all those years…"

"Yeah, neither was I, so…"

"Let me finish" He interrupted me. "I always blamed you for all the bad things that happened to me. Sure, some of them you were really the one to blame, but it was still unfair of me. I always pictured you as an honorless jerk, and spent a good part of those years we know each other trying to beat your ass up." I chuckled a little, but he went on. "Anyway, you had all the reasons to give a rat's ass to whatever could happen to me, and let me screw my life up all by myself. This last fight is a good example… But no, you butted into my fight and saved my life. It was really nice of you." He let out a breath, looked at me and went on. "Fact is, I was wrong about you. Sure sometimes you´re a jerk, but some other times you´re really a good person. And you don´t deserve the treatment I´ve been giving you…"

I remained quiet. I was supposed to feel fine, he was actually coming to good terms with me. But I wasn't feeling fine. Actually I felt like shit. Because there he was, trying to atone with me and… if he only knew what I tried to do to him, he would beat me dead.

"… and some of my actions towards you are really less than honorable."

I froze. What?

"Ranma, I´m going to tell Akane about P-chan."

"No."

He looked at me quizzically.

"Why not?"

"You don´t need to tell her that. Just don´t play P-chan again and it will be fine."

"You don´t understand. You know, she will eventually see me wet and meet my cursed form. It´s not fair to expect you to always cover my butt about that."

"But…"

"Look, I've been thinking about doing it for a while, and now time has finally come. Trust me, Ranma. I'll make it up for you. The only thing I ask of you is to let me talk to her alone. Okay?"

"Okay" I replied in a low voice. In other times it would be great, but right then I didn´t deserve that much.

He left the dojo, I was alone again. His scent, however, lingered in the room like a faint ghost who could beat me up in a way that any martial technique will never do. I kneeled at the floor, and realized how miserably I failed in keeping him out of my mind. He was branded in my mind like a tattoo on one´s skin. I could look away, but every time I faced it, it was there, exactly the same as the first time.

I was doomed. But nobody could know. It was my shame, mine only.

Ryoga really told Akane the whole story about P-chan. I thought she would go for the kill as soon as she found it out, but surprisingly she didn´t tried to murder him. Sure, she got mad, it took a while for her to forgive him, but she eventually did. And he kept his promise and saved my face about the whole story. As he finished this last mission, he gathered his things and parted to his home.

I was relieved. With him away, I could resume pretending that nothing happened. I tried my best. My best wasn´t working much.

I spent several days thinking about what I should do. I couldn´t let anyone know about this. I would disgrace my family, the Tendos, Akane, myself, even Ryoga would be caught in the fire. I couldn´t abide that.

One day, he came to the Dojo for a visit. Akane was still a little upset, but was willing to let it go. I kept my aim to avoid him as much as possible, and no way in hell I would spar with him. I kept myself out of sight by fleeing the Dojo at the very first opportunity I had. As I came back by sunset, I went directly to the roof… just to find him sitting there, looking pensive.

"Hey."

"Hey, Ryoga. Wat´cha doing?"

"Nothing, really" He had his gaze fixed upon the horizon, a blank expression on his face.

"Hum, what´s up?" I didn´t want to hear any answer, but I asked anyway. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but remained silent.

Then I resumed my foot-in-the-mouth mode, maybe trying to keep some small talk.

"How´s Akari?"

"We broke up." The look on his face said it all, but he answered anyway.

"Oh, man, sorry for asking."

"No big deal."

"Uh, who did it?" Again my curiosity took the best out of me. Was he dumped by her?

"I did."

"Why?"

He did not answer that one. Instead, he took his gaze out of the horizon and fixed it on me. It was intense, his eyes more soulful than ever. I couldn't say what was inside of those eyes. I almost lost my edge and quickly regretted being there. And slowly he took his eyes out of me and stared again at nothing. I kept my mouth shut.

Thankfully, Kasumi broke the moment.

"Ryoga! Someone´s on the phone!"

He stood up and got out of the rooftop towards the living room to pick up the phone.

"Hello." He said with a flat voice. Some moments later, his eyes grew wide and he spoke: "Mom?"

Yeah, that was his _mother_.

Apparently, his parents finally got home at the same time and then, together, started to look for him. After finding where he was, they were coming here to pick him up. As they arrived, we all were introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Hibiki. Funniest thing is they seemed to have their directional curse completely fixed, with the aid of a GPS tracker Mr. Hibiki himself helped to develop. His father was a businessman, and they seemed to be a rather well-to-do family. After thanking the Tendos for their kindness towards their son, they demanded Ryoga to come with them.

I didn´t see him in a while, after our meeting with his parents. Not that I would mind, I was still avoiding him with all my might. Thanks to that, I missed the time he came back at the Dojo to another visit. I even remember Akane saying something about how he managed not to get lost anymore just like his parents, because of a GPS tracker he was now carrying everywhere.

But one day, while I was jumping over the rooftops to get somewhere, I got close to his house and saw a big truck at the door. I landed on the ground to check out what was going on, and found him at his yard packing things on some boxes.

"Yo, Ryoga!"

"Ranma? What are you doing here?"

"Uh, I saw this truck at your door and was wondering what´s up. Are you moving or something?"

"Yes." He lowered his eyes. I felt my heart pounding on my chest. "We're moving."

"Where to?"

"America."

I got speechless. What, United States of fucking America?

"When are you leaving?" My voice was a little hoarse. I felt a lump in my throat.

"Tomorrow." I was sure that, if he paid enough attention, he would see the blood draining out of my face. The prick was moving away from Nerima to the end of the world and wouldn´t tell anyone about it?

"Oh."

I should be wishing him good luck, being happy to see him join his parents again and try to live a normal family life for a change. But when I opened my mouth, something entirely different came out.

"Why didn´t you tell us?" By us, you'd understand me.

"I found it out myself only a couple days ago…" His tone was apologetic.

"I see." My voice was cold. I clenched my fists discreetly, doing my best to conceal the slight tremble on my hands.

And why the heck was I so worked up about it? Shouldn't I be happy? It was the perfect solution for my situation. I was free, he was leaving.

Might as well never see him again.

"Uh… you know, I´ll miss you guys." He said, his voice soft. I melted when I looked in his eyes, full of sorrow.

"Oh, man… y´know, there´s always the chance of you getting lost and end back here." He chuckled at my joke. He surely had a lovely smile.

"Screw you, Saotome." He said playfully, then jabbed my shoulder. "Wanna spar?"

I said nothing. I grabbed his arm and took him to the vacant lot close to his house. I was avoiding this for a while, but now it was different. It would be the last spar we´d have. I wanted that, needed that memory with me.

And we sparred, like we didn´t in a long time. He attacked, I dodged, I counterattacked, he blocked. His moves were strong and precise, concentrating his impressive strength. Mine were fluid, gracious, and the match was pretty much even. None of us was holding back. But, instead of the grim feeling that followed our other matches, this one was light, almost fun.

In the end both of us were panting by the heavy workout. He laid on the ground, I sat by his side. His hair was disheveled, his face sweaty, yet he looked stunning. The dim light of the sunset made his eyes almost golden. I felt a lump in my stomach.

I wouldn´t see this again in a long time.

"Hey… don´t you get soft, okay?" I said.

"You should talk…" His eyes were happy again. Then he looked serious. "But I won´t. Seriously."

"Let´s see. Next time we meet we´ll rematch."

"Sure thing."

He stood up, and helped me on my feet by grabbing my hand.

"Gotta get goin´, Ranma." He pulled me on a friendly embrace. I froze. His scent was there, mixed to the smell of sweat and earth. I should run away from it. But I returned the hug. He felt so warm, I wanted to disappear on his arms.

"Good luck, pal…" My voice was shaky. He got inside the house as I sprinted onto the rooftops. As I was going home, I felt fresh tears down my face; and when I arrived went straight to the bathroom, turned into a girl and cried myself to near dehydration.

So, Ryoga eventually said his goodbyes to the rest of the Nerima crew and then left. My life was supposed to be back on track, right?.

It didn't. I thought I would forget about all what happened eventually, but I was dead wrong. Much worse than his presence, this forbidden temptation over me, was his absence.

I missed everything about him. I missed his smell, his voice, his face. I even missed the feeling I had while I tried to avoid him. As bad as I wanted him far from me, I actually never wanted to see it fulfilled to the point of not seeing him again. I wanted to know that even if I didn´t want to be with him, he would be there, he would be close. Now he was too far away. The harder I tried to let him go, the worse it would get. My life became a slumber of utterly unimportant events.

In some time, my lack of interest in things was starting to show. Slowly, people started to notice, some earlier than others.

Back then, I used to remind a lot that episode concerning the fishing rod. Then, I was in love with him, yes. But it was a dumb, magical thing that would wipe your free will and turn you into a caricature of a person in love, and wasn't really real. Back then I didn't even consider the implications of those feelings; I even tried to hurt Akane while under its effect.

But what happened that day in the cave… it was completely different. Even in the whole koi rod shit I didn't have this revelation; even when I was seducing him inside his tent I wasn't really sexual about it. Yes, I was 'in love' and then 'obsessed', but that was magic, not… that what I felt after, neither it felt as… Dirty.

That was why I thought It was not love, it couldn't be. I mean, I used to think I loved Akane, for so many times I was sure I did. I wasn't anymore, because I knew I never felt about her the way I was feeling about him, and yet I felt dirty, soiled, because I felt lust for someone else than my fiancée... I lusted over a man. But how the hell was I supposed to feel like that about another guy? Ryoga, no less?

And the words of Ryoga when I was under the rod's spell… He said he'd rather drink sewage than be with me, he couldn't stand the sight of me. I was under a spell, but he wasn't. He wasn't. I was bewitched, but he was himself.

He wasn't a pervert, like me.

Yet, I couldn't escape from this… infatuation, lust, whatever. But it was so strong that overwhelmed me, and dulled my senses to anything else. Yet, I could tell it was wrong. I mean, even if what I felt was the so-called love… Things would only be worse, because no way in hell I could let it out. Because I couldn't abide to bring such dishonor to my family, to Akane and to him too. Even if he was single, moving to America; even if Akane was right all this time of calling me a pervert… The sense of oddity in this situation made me fight against it with all my will. But I was losing.

I spent nights and nights and nights thinking about it in the rooftop.

I had to do something; I had to fix it somehow. Then I decided what I had to do.

This decision was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Finally, again, Ranma's point of view about all the things happening around him. Not much to say, though. On the next chapter: His mistake, and the consequences.

* * *

Human Being, 02/05/2014


	4. Sleeping with Ghosts

**Disclaimer:** Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s

**Warning:** This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.  
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.

* * *

Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.

OOO

OBS.: Fic formerly named as **Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial**, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.

This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named **Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper)**. It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.

Then, on with the show.

* * *

**Where I end and you begin**

**(The Midnight Cowboy)**

* * *

**Sleeping with ghosts**

* * *

_"You don't want to hurt me  
But see how deep the bullet lies  
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder  
There is thunder in our hearts, baby  
So much hate for the ones we love?  
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?"  
_Running up that hill – Kate Bush/Placebo

* * *

_~Ranma Saotome's Journal, third entry. _

By the time Ryoga left, both I and Akane were already on a University nearby. It was close to home with good prospects. I applied for physical education, Akane for pedagogy. As we got our acceptance letters, our fathers resumed the attempts for marrying us.

Akane screamed bloody murder, and the same old crap was starting again: we would scream and fight, they would insist, we would freak out and then they would eventually give up for a while.

Then it hit me.

I was trapped: clinging to a delusion that could never be, I was miserable as never before. What options did I have? Stay hooked on Ryoga? Go after him and tell him what I felt? Hah, that would've been rich "Hey, Ryoga my buddy, here's the thing: While you were unconscious on a fucking sleeping bag freezing to death, I was rubbing myself on you and fantasizing on how nice it would be if we both were a thing, how's about that?"

So, now the entire idea of marriage didn´t seems so bad. I could claim the life destined to me. I could marry Akane. Inherit the Dojo. Be a man.

Things would settle, in time. This whole travesty would be forever gone.

So, I did it: while our parents and Akane were fighting about whether or not get married, I remained silent. It took a while for them to notice. Akane was the first.

"Ranma?"

I kept myself dead quiet.

"Won´t you say anything?" I shook my head in denial.

"So, boy, do you agree with the marriage?" Mr. Tendo inquired. Every eye in the house was upon me. Akane was flabbergasted.

I lowered my head, I couldn´t look anyone in the eye.

"I… don't object."

Akane could barely believe this was happening. Pop and Mom were beyond joyful. Mr. Tendo started to cry as usual. Kasumi was cheerful as always. The only person that didn´t join the euphoria was Nabiki. She was giving me one of her unreadable glares, trying to analyze me. She wasn't buying this.

I froze inside. I knew how good she was on reading people. But I was getting myself just as good on hiding some parts of myself from curious looks.

I got up, touched Akane´s shoulder rather slightly and whispered on her ear. "We need to talk."

Later on, I met Akane on her room. She was still weary from all the events of the evening. I get inside through the window and sit beside her.

"Akane."

"Why?" She asked. No beating in the bush, no small talk.

"Why not?" I replied back. She knew I was different. With her especially. She was pressing me to know what was wrong, and I was pushing her away. And, boy, of course I was: From all the people, she was the one who least could find about it. So, what could I say to her? The truth?

"I don't want to do it because of the wrong reasons, Ranma." She kept her head low, avoiding my eyes.

I felt a lump in my throat, again. I was no stupid about the way she felt about me anymore, and I knew she was doing it for the right reasons. I hated myself, and sometimes when I remember and relive this moment in my head, I still do. But I had no choice.

"I don't know if there is such a thing as wrong or right reasons to do that. But I always knew if I was going to do it, would be with you." It wasn't exactly a lie, but it didn't make me feel any better.

She remained silent. I touched her hand, seeing her as my lifeline. I wanted her to save me from myself.

"If you don't wanna do it, I can't force you to." I whisper on her ear. I had a pretty good idea what her answer would be.

At the end of that month, mere days before I hit twenty, we were officially married.

To make the wedding happen, this time I took the matter on my hands. None of the wreckers of my former wedding dared to try something. I made myself perfectly clear that I would not abide any kind of interruption this time. Even Cologne got the hint and backed off. Sure, the other fiancées got a little resented, but this time I didn't give a flying fuck. I needed to get over this.

Things were going fine. Again, I thought my problems were over. Right?

Hah.

One thing… This one thing I didn´t expect at all.

Sure, I knew I would have physical intimacy in my marriage, the very same I'd never had with anyone. On all those years living with Akane, I never felt really physically attracted to her. I mean, I knew Akane was a cute girl, despite all my brags saying otherwise, but it never made me lust for her. Yes, I thought I loved her, yes I felt protective over her, I cared a fucking lot for her. But lust? Desire? Getting off on thinking about her? Never. To none of my former fiancées, actually. Not on Ukyou and all her cuteness, nor Shampoo and her darned sex-appeal, nor Kodachi and her tight leotards on a perfect body. And, c'mon, which real straight teenager wouldn't?

To be perfectly honest, I only felt this kind of thing once… In that fucking cave, with him, and the bastard wasn't even trying. Sometimes I would just wake up in the middle of the night just to turn myself girl to cut off erections from thinking about it, and the fucker did absolutely nothing but be unconscious, almost frozen in a darned sleeping bag.

That was precisely why I was so desperate to make things between Akane and me work fine. And I expected them to be: She was a pretty woman, very desirable, yes, it would be easy. I loved her. It would be so good that I would even lust for her. Despite everything, I was young, virile, it was probably just a phase, all that stuff. It would happen in time. What could go wrong?

Simple. Having sex with Akane triggered the one thing I was trying so hard to forget.

Not that she was a lousy lay. Okay, she might not the best one either due to her lack of imagination and impersonal mannerisms in bed, but that was not the point. The thing was that when I had sex with her, or if I had it with any other person, it would always, always remind me of him. God, I could almost see myself with him, longing for his soft skin, his scent, everything he was. I could look away, but it was still there.

Every time she orgasmed with me, everytime I came inside of her, I sensed him. I pictured myself with him. I wanted to be inside of him, or he being inside of me, as a guy or as a girl, it didn't matter. I just wanted to have him on my arms, to smell him, kiss him, feel his taste on my mouth; a taste I've never felt, but I was already addicted to by the very idea of it. I wanted him, only him. Hell, sometimes I'd bite back the urge to call his name right in the heat of the moment.

I tried to ignore it at first, fake it, and lure myself into believing it would get better with time.

It got worse.

She was not him. She didn´t have his scent, his skin, his touch, his eyes. And she tried. She loved me. She wanted this marriage to work. She tried hard, so hard…

Sex became a torture. I started to avoid her in bed, using all the excuses that I could. College, training trips, whatever. To make sure, I used to "accidentally" turn female a lot more than average, and did little to turn back. She would never make any kind of sexual advance towards my female self and I knew it. All that hurt her a great deal, but at first she tried to be comprehensive, since I was trying so hard to be a good student and a good martial artist…

I hated myself. And I got bitter for it.

We attended college; in an attempt to keep my mind busy, I even applied for a simultaneous part-time degree in business, and got accepted. Then I studied day and night, hard as never before in my whole life. No one would have ever imagined me as such a fierce student, not even Pops, and everyone were marveled at my determination. Everyone, except… Akane. At first she thought it to be very nice, too, but I think at some point she realized I was doing this to avoid her – us – at all costs. And she wasn't wrong at all: As soon as we got our degrees, when I told her things would get better, I buried myself on the Art. I engaged on one training trip after another.

It started to show: in a few time, I truly was a martial artist to be reckoned with: As my Father wanted, I was the finest martial artist of my generation. From that to be a professional fighter was a snap: Tournaments, prizes in money, and the Tendo-Saotome Anything Goes Martial Arts School became famous by my victories. My career was meteoric, and it turned out to be a very profitable business. You know, Ranma Saotome always wins.

It felt good for a while. But that while didn't last long.

Akane started to work as an educational counselor in Furinkan High. She had a lot of time for her profession and for her own training as a martial artist, since I spent so little time at home. And when I was there, the situation always ended up tense. Her frustration was tangible, by that point. She sensed something was wrong with us, but couldn't exactly say what. And the more she tried to get closer to me, to get to the problem, the more I would pull her away. It came to a point she didn't try to approach me with patience or kindness as I'd had worn them out already, she demanded my attention and proximity. It annoyed me beyond belief, and soon I started to avoid her very presence, in order to get rid of the inquisition. As she grew more and more lonely, she started to press me for a baby. That meant having more sex. No need to say, that was the very last thing I wanted. I got more and more annoyed and impatient to her, she got more and more resented on me.

Our marriage turned into a living hell.

There's when I started to understand my old man. He also used the Art to avoid his responsibilities in his marriage and to find solace from a life he never truly wanted to have. But things only worked out between them both because my mother was the model of a demure wife, which was obviously not Akane's case. When I was younger, I used to see my father as sort of a failure, someone not fit to be taken for an example. I never wanted to be like the old man, but I realized that I was getting worse than him. I was the real failure, and I knew it. I couldn't bring myself to make things work. That's also why I hadn't agreed with having children, even when it would be a logical attempt to make things better. A kid would just complicate matters even more, because I wouldn't add up on my failures me doing to a kid of mine the same thing my father did to me.

While my career was doing great and I was making a lot of money in tournaments and prizes, my marriage was going from bad to worse. Trying to escape from the hell I created for myself, I grew more and more distant. Akane got more and more frustrated, and despite the calm and pondered image she made up for her professional self, I was the magnet for her short temper to show. I don't blame her; she was feeling betrayed, scorned by the one who promised to love her. But I couldn't help to be crude and impatient with her. We hardly had sex. She was also a lot more jealous than before, thinking that I must have a lover or something. I couldn't get anywhere close to Ukyou or Shampoo, by intention or accident. I even had a detective hired on my ass – probably at Nabiki's expense, but still on Akane's best interest.

Her wrath and my distance created a downward spiral that consumed any romantic love we might have had for each other. Our fights didn´t resemble our innocent bickering from the old days, they became much bitter and heavier, with a scary deal of verbal violence. She didn't beat or mallet me anymore, though, just because the grudge and the tension involved would turn things out of control if any of us went physical. Despite her improvement as a martial artist, she was nowhere near me. I never hit her, but sometimes I came awfully close. The entire family got scared of our fights.

In the end of my seventh year of marriage, I tried to divorce. It sounded like if I was to announce the apocalypse. My mother went ballistic; she would never accept such a dishonor in her family. She used everything in her power to set my mind out of it, even threatened to disown me. Once again I was painfully reminded of my obligations to honor and duty, and how my life wasn't really mine. Funny thing, the only one who didn't say a word was my father. Then, taken aback by the havoc as usual, I gave up the idea and made an effort to make things better for a year or so, but things were way too bad. Akane was hurt and didn't trust me anymore. She did love me, but she couldn't forgive me for what our marriage had become. Again, how can I blame her? I dragged her into that; I was the one who gave the final word. For the worst reason possible: to save face.

As I tried to approach her in my attempt to fix things up, she started to confront me. She blamed the entire situation on me, and wanted me to pay. Needless to say, my will to make things better was short lived.

Akane wasn't that dense: as she started to put things together and dig into my life; helped by Nabiki, she started to realize _when_ I started to act different. She was getting closer and I sensed it. But yet she wasn't ready to see, that was beyond her malice. But not Nabiki's.

Nabiki always had suspected there was something about Ryoga that I wasn't letting out back then - she was that good on reading people. Sure, they didn't have any evidence. But very sneakily, Nabiki started to insinuate that there was something I was hiding about Ryoga. She was like a shark: once she smelled blood, there was no way to stop her. Gradually, her hints got more and more obvious as she sensed that I was getting affected by them. And my self-control was slowly eroding.

At the end of eight years of marriage, we had the last straw.

It happened out of a rather ordinary ordeal on our lives: I was preparing to leave on another training trip. The family was all gathered, having dinner.

"So," my mother started. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow morning," I answered nonchalantly. Then Mr. Tendo put his foot on the mouth.

"You´re traveling too much, Ranma. At that pace, we won't have an heir to the School anytime soon."

"Or you could take Akane with you in some of those trainings. It would be some quality time for both of you" Kasumi said, in a voice filled of good intentions.

I bit my lip. Akane glared at me. Nabiki didn't let the opportunity slip.

"Oh, well. Who knows, maybe it´s not _that_ kind of company he´d like…"

For everyone in the table, it was a perfectly innocent comment. But I got her hint. It set my blood on fire. It took all my willpower to steady myself.

"I rather have no company at all in my training trips. Y'know, Nabiki, training sometimes can be _dangerous_." I stated with a dead cold voice.

"Why, Ranma. No need to get so worked up about it, sorry." Nabiki's tone was apologetic, but her eyes were glaring me fiercely. I wanted to kill her, snap her neck on my hands. We finished dinner and I got out of the table to finish my packing. In a little while, however, I saw someone at the door.

"So, Nabs" I said, without turning myself to face her. "Came to say goodbye? Or for another of your smartass remarks about what kind of company I might enjoy on a training trip?"

"I don't see what was so offensive in that."

Ohhh, smartie. I was so mad my mouth was dry.

"Nothing at all, Nabiki. You see, if I had _any_ kind of company in my trips, _you_ would be the first to know. Right?" I turned to stare her. Her face was an unreadable mask. "So, don't pretend you're idly interested in what kind of company I rather have or not. Okay?"

"Oh. Seems I struck a nerve here." Her voice was calm and steady. "Sure thing, I know you travel alone, Ranma." She walks out the room. From the hall, she says in a sly tone: "I just wonder if you would be so fond of loneliness if you _still_ had your old favorite sparring partner around, that's all."

My blood boiled in my veins, so hot I was having a hard time on breathing steadily. Soon after she finished her line, Akane entered the room.

She'd heard the entire conversation.

"What now, picking on Nabiki?" Her voice is dripping acid, she wanted a fight. I wasn't in the mood for this, really: Too mad, too angry. But that didn't stop me to yield.

"You" I grabbed her wrist. She looks at me startled. "You keep that fucking bitch you have for a sister off my back. Got it?" I glared deeply at her eyes.

"Oooh, I'm sorry for that." Her voice in a mock tone, she takes her wrist out of my hand. "Well, by now you should already know that one can't take so _seriously_ what she says." She walks away from me. "Unless…"

"Unless?" My breath sharp, I was mad beyond belief.

"Unless she _did _strike a nerve here." She said; death in her voice. There. She found the confrontation she was seeking. "In that case, she is the _least_ of your concerns, my _dear_."

"Akane. Don't. You. Go. There."

"Go where, Ranma…" She faced me, her eyes shining sparks. I lost my control and gave in. She wanted a fight, she'd get it.

"So, Akane" I slammed the door behind me. That time I was meaning it to be ugly. "You tell me. What the fuck are you insinuating this time? Hm?" My face was twisted in a scowl, I was dangerously close to her. She tried to back down, I grabbed her arm again. She tried to get rid of my grip, she never saw me that mad. No use."Say it, Akane."

It was a command. My voice was low, dangerous. When I get really mad, I don't yell. I speak low like that.

"I…" She trails off. I pinned her on the wall.

"Don't you dare play innocent now. Say It."

She raised her eyes. She decided to face me back.

"Do you want _me_ to say it to you? You really got less nerve than I thought." She said in a shaky voice. "Let´s say, it´s not an insinuation. I am not accusing you of having some other girl. Not anymore. But I think, my _dear_, you do have your mind set in someone else. Want me to go on?"

"Oh, yes, my _dear_. It's getting interesting." I continued to pin her in the wall, my grip tightens. She winces a little. "And what this something else would be? Any idea?"

"I have a hunch, yes. Maybe, just maybe, We girls are not your cup of tea. Too bad your old _pal_ is not like you, as far as I know."

That was it. Damn Nabiki, damn it all. I was far beyond control. Her eyes widened, as I threw her on the bed with a yank. She tried to get away, but I cornered her.

"Say, You are insinuating, _this_?" She tried to get out of the bed, I shoved her back. I couldn't take any more confrontation. I couldn't take any more of this all. Duty, pride, responsibility, guilt, there's nothing left. Nothing but bitter fury. "You are insinuating now that I don't like girls, because I don't like to fuck you?" I hissed heavily, she finally realized that maybe she had crossed the line. "I also have a hunch, dear. I thought that mercenary whore was the mother of this idea, but it seems to suit you too, you know. But what the hell, it doesn't matter." As she gets out of the bed I grab her by the wrist, aiming to cause her pain, I've never seen such fear in her eyes. "After all, like you always say, I enjoy too much being a girl… so I must be gay, right?"

"Ranma, it's enough!" Her voice was very shaky. She was terrified, but I was past any caring for it then. She saw through my disguise, she was trying to humiliate me. I wanted to hurt her, for the first time of my life I really wanted to hurt Akane.

"Now, you think I'm a fucking faggot, don't ya?" I cornered her at the bed, her face pale with fear. "Come to think of it, it really might be better fuck a guy than you. I do have more sex appeal in my girl form than you, and honestly, even this pal of mine can be more appealing than you, the paragon of moral and righteousness. So it makes me gay, a pervert, right? And, since my old _pal_ isn't around, maybe I should teach you one thing or two about how we pervert gays like to fuck each other after all. But don't you worry, I'll make the sacrifice of getting myself a boner for this." I grabbed her neck as she tries to back off, as I loosened the string of my pants.

"Ranma, stop it, stop it, STOP IT!" She screamed while I pinned her on the bed, face down and crying, bucking and squirming beneath me. But as I tried to spread her legs and get her clothes off the way, I finally snapped out of it.

I got up, panting, stepped back and collapsed on the floor, burying my face in my hands. She cried lying on the bed, knowing what was about to happen. Her blouse is rotten in some points, by the strength I was grabbing and pinning her. She curls into a ball, sobbing harder.

The weight of what I had done, and what I was about to do came on me at once.

I broke down. I started to cry openly, face buried in my hands. I couldn't take it anymore. My manliness, my pride, my honor, it's all gone.

"Ranma…" After a good while, she called me. I didn't answer. My soul was pouring out of me, eight years of pent up frustrations, deceptions and failure finally proved too much for me to bear. "Ranma, I'm sorry." She tried to reach me, I flinched.

"Don't fucking touch me." I said in a whisper. "No, I…" Ryoga... She was right, my God, she was. I was a pervert, a monster, not a man. I cried even harder. "I never meant it to happen like this, I…"

"Ranma…" She tried to reach me again, I tried to pull her, she grabbed my arms softly then pulled me into a shaky embrace. I was completely lost.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry… please…" I said between sobs. She tried to soothe me. I soaked her blouse with my tears. "I never meant to hurt you, I never meant this, I don't want to… I'm sorry…" She was crying too. She deserved the truth. "I thought I would get over it, I sorta loved you, yes, but I… I thought it would be gone in time, I couldn't be… It wasn't … Oh my God… I never wanted this to happen, I'm sorry… You're right; I _am_ a pervert, a failure, I…" I dug my nails in the flesh of my arms. I wanted to hurt myself.

"Ranma, don't…" She tried to stop me. She finally understood. I thought she would hate me, but she was there trying to help me to not fall apart.

"I don't deserve you, Akane, never did… I deserve nothing from you…"

"Has something ever happened between you both?" She asked in a quiet voice.

"No."

"Does he even know about it?"

"Of course not."

"Have you ever been with someone else, but me?"

"No…"

"Do… Do you think you can overcome this feeling for him?" Her voice was quiet, pained.

I curled up into a ball, tears running freely and voice hoarse from crying so hard. My answer was a choked whisper. "I'm so sorry…"

We both cried in each other's arms. I was broken inside. She helped me on my feet and led me to the bed. I sat down, convulsing between tears and sobs. I hardly ever cried, much less in male form; so I've never cried like this; but I just couldn't stop. She lessened her crying, and as I was out of control she gives me a pill, something to calm me down, then a glass of water. I eased down in the bed, exhausted. So did her. Soon I drifted into sleep.

When we woke up, at least I could keep myself from crying. Then we talked. A long, whole-hearted conversation where none of us were holding back. We finally agreed this was the end, if we wanted to save something of the friendship and the respect between us.

Soon enough, we broke the news to the family. This time, no backing down. My mother one more time tried her hardest to dissuade me from divorcing Akane. Soun also tried everything in his reach. As things were going sour, I asked Akane to leave the room and leave them to me.

"What the heck you think you're doing, son?" Soun asks me with an harsh tone.

"The right thing." I said. This time I was calm, certain of what had to be done.

"You can't, Ranma. You'll stain the honor of your family if you do." My mother says in an inquisitive tone.

"I'll stain my own honor if I don't."

"Your honor is your duty, boy. You have responsibilities to your clan, to the Tendos, you just can't walk away from it. You WON'T do that." My mother never seemed so serious.

"I will." My voice was flat, not taking any chance to show doubt or anything else.

"Then you're no longer the man you promised me to be." Her eyes pierced me.

The boy I used to be flinched inside of me. He wanted to give in, to retreat. The man I became in those years of frustration shot back a glare.

"You want me to commit seppuku, then? To kill myself to satisfy your honor, to save your face? Is this it?" She looked at me startled, she didn't expect an answer. Akane entered the room, startled with my voice. "No, mom, I won't do anything of it. My life is mine. No one will take it from me anymore, not even you. Find yourself another way to save your darn face, I don't care."

"How dare you" She hissed. "How DARE you talk to me like that? Who do you think you are?"

"Who am I? I am Ranma Saotome, heir of the Saotome Anything goes martial arts School and man among men, remember? I am what you all made me. I spent all my life living your dreams; the life you all set up for me, but it isn't working anymore. I still remember how I spent months pretending to be "Ranko" and hiding myself from you in fear you wouldn't accept me because of my curse. And you accept me because even as a girl I was _manly_, not because I was your child. I had to be manly for you. I put up with every shit you threw at me to prove myself worthy of living because of your stupid honor codes and so far I screwed my life for that. But I can't do this any longer. My marriage is doomed, I can't put up to this anymore. Not only for me, but for Akane's sake."

"Leave Akane out of that" Soun hissed. "You're the one who have been running away from your duties all along." Akane glared at him and opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her out.

"Running away? I honored my marriage for all these years. I worked and trained my ass off to turn this School and this Dojo to what it is now, and I didn't see you complaining when it got nationally reckoned due to my victories. I can take my name out of this dojo anytime. I have my reputation, and you took advantage of it long enough. I don't need you to recriminate me about whether worked or not on my marriage."

"Ranma, don´t talk like that to your father-in-law!"My mother shot back.

"The only people here I owe some respect is myself and Akane . To the rest of you, I talk the way I damn want-"

"Nodoka, Soun..." My father interrupted. He stayed quiet during all the argument. "I want to talk to Ranma alone."

"Genma, he-" My mother tries to reason with him, it's useless.

"I said, I want to talk to Ranma alone." His voice was serious. "Ranma, come with me."

I leave the room with him. He was serious, pensive. Since the first time I tried to divorce, he never said a word. We go to the dojo, we kneel in front of each other. I remain quiet.

"Is this what you want?" He asked me in a soft voice.

"Yes. Will you try to stop me too?"

"No." I am surprised.

"Of all people, I didn't expect you to do this. All this mess started with your stupid promises." I said in a quiet voice.

"I know that. But, also, no one knows you better than I do. I've seen this coming for a while." He lowered his head, I could barely hear him. "In other times I would beat some sense into you, but not today. You've been in pain. Your mother can't see it, but I can, and it's eating you up. I may be a stubborn jerk, but I'm not blind. I made all those promises; I betrothed you in marriage to a Tendo and promised us both to commit seppuku if you didn't become a man among men. And then, when you agreed to marry Akane, I also thought things would settle down afterwards. The Schools were united, you would have a family on your own and be happy. I had fulfilled all my goals, but as time went by I realized my goals were less important than seeing you miserable. Wandering from one training trip to another just to avoid your home."

"What made it different from what you've done in ten years training with me, far from mom?"

"A lot of times living with your mother could be very hard, but I did our training trip mostly because of you. Come to think of it, I never considered leaving her as you're doing now." His voice got lower, as he gazes to the floor. "I don't care about duty, pride, family or even your mother's fixation on honor and tradition, you know me well enough to see I'm not lying. But I do care about you, in my way I always did. And I don't like to see what this whole situation is turning you into."

"Pop, I…" I trailed off. "I'm sorry."

He came closer to me and pulled me to a light embrace. "Me too, boy."

I stayed with him like that for a good while. My father used to be the greatest jerk I ever met. But, even despite his flaws, he got a lot better person as time passed. And he was there for me when I needed him the most.

To tell the truth, he'd always been there for me, hadn't he?

When we got back, Pop talked some sense inside my mother's head. Akane, on the other hand, managed to convince her father that she would divorce me whether he approved it or not. And at the end of that week we filled the papers for the divorce.

I was twenty eight.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Well... About this one, a lot to think about - but it's all written in there. It was a hard one to come with, though, and I sincerely hope you don't hate him too much. But wouldn't it be Ranma in a situation like this? I think so.

And, from now on, both fics will collide in a regular basis - a chapter from the next, they will start to portray the same situation on different point of views. And all of this will work as a background for the story you'll see in two chapters.

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 02/10/2014


	5. In between days

**Disclaimer:** Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s

**Warning:** This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.  
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.

* * *

Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.

OOO

OBS.: Fic formerly named as **Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial**, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.

This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named **Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper)**. It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.

Then, on with the show.

* * *

**Where I end and you begin**

**(The Midnight Cowboy)**

* * *

**In between days**

* * *

_"Oh, my God, I feel it in the air  
Telephone wires above are sizzling like a snare  
Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere  
Nothing scares me anymore"_  
Summertime Sadness – Lana del Rey

* * *

_~Ranma Saotome's journal – Fourth entry: _

Even after my divorce, I kept business connections with the Tendos. I had my name and reputation as a high-grade martial artist, and Nabiki herself made me a proposal to stay linked and the money earned from tournaments and all. But, despite the hopes of former admirals and new gold-diggers, Ranma Saotome was once more single, but not available. I moved to a flat in Nerima, close enough to allow me to come from time to time to visit friends and family and to attend business with the School. I kept my routine of training and supervising some of the dojos linked to the School, as I did before. I was a workaholic, and that helped to keep my mind centered.

However, the divorce was harder on me than I thought. As I stripped myself from my former life, duties and obligations, I realized that I wasn't free as I thought I would be, and didn't know how I wanted my freedom to be. I had to face what I spent so many years running away from.

By that time, I already had a neutral relationship with my curse. The fact that I used to lock myself anytime and in any gender I wanted thanks to the old waterproof soap we all used to buy from the Jusenkyo guide helped things a lot. The springs, that were flooded after the Jusendo battle, didn't restore to normal as Mr. Tendo believed, thus there was no cure in sight. But I didn't care for that, I had more serious problems in my life.

When married, I used to stay female to get Akane off my back and, as I grew more well known, to disguise myself in some situations. But I never sexually explored my cursed form in any way. Truth is I only have had one sex partner in my entire life, and my sexual interaction with Akane had its issues. So, I haven't really explored my male side either. Not that I haven't had opportunities to be with other women, I grew to be a very handsome man and everybody knew it. But the reason that kept my sex life with Akane a disaster was the same one which kept me away from any other girl outside my marriage. I couldn't keep him out of my mind.

And there I was: Almost twenty nine, divorced, confused about my sexual orientation, with very little sexual experience and hooked to an image of my past that I had absolutely no idea if would get any basis on reality. I haven't heard from Ryoga ever since. I didn't even know where to start from. And, if I didn't know what to expect from him, I didn't know what to expect of myself either. Was I gay? If I was, would I be less of a man because of it? What about my girl half? I didn't have the answers to any of these questions, and many others more…

I had very few friends then, and it took a while to come into good terms with Ucchan and Shampoo. Anyway, I couldn't tell them what was going on with me. The only person who I could count on that was Akane – Talk about an awkward situation. However, in a little while, she was already with someone else. I honestly got happy for her.

Come to think of it, I still find it funnily odd how we managed to keep friends friends despite all the shit we went through in our lives and our marriage. Not that she's my confident or anything, but I do like her, and trust her from time to time.

As I got married, both Ucchan and Shampoo managed to move on. Ucchan was running a franchise, she was doing fine. Also found herself a nice guy and was planning to get married soon. Shampoo at last quit the Chinese Law shit and gave in to Mousse. The guy had always been good looking, and seemed to get rid of his heavy glasses after a corrective surgery or something like that. Them both attended community college and got degrees, but they went all for running the Nekohanten and some other businesses - the Nekohanten turned out to be a rather well-known restaurant around Tokyo. And as I came out of my marriage, I tried to catch up with them. Kuno and Nabiki were having some kind of complicated affair, and I didn't hear anything from Kodachi since she left Nerima after some guy she got obsessed with.

Shampoo and Mousse were my source of Jusenkyo facilities, through Cologne. To date the old hag isn't dead yet, neither is Happosai. But I don't know where they are.

Someday, I was at Nekohanten and, while we were all idly chatting about how we ran out of our special soaps, Shampoo got wet. I almost panicked, I am still terrified of cats. But she didn't change. I got puzzled.

"Wow, Shamps, you have some soap and you're keeping it from me, huh?"

"No, no. _Airen_" She sometimes called me that to mock me. For the record, she doesn't speak in truncated Japanese anymore. As she likes to say, now she's a college educated amazon – the very first one from her tribe. "I got cured with Nyannichuan."

"What?"

"Y'know," Mousse continued "About two or three years ago we got a letter and this big package from Ryoga…" My heart stopped. "…He was in China on a business trip or whatever, then he seized the opportunity to go to Jusenkyo to check if the springs returned to normal. As he told us, there is little hope, but the guide told him that the bird people used to keep some nannichuan or nyannichuan in stock, to use as disguise. So he went after them and found Kiima, who informed him that they were totally out of nannichuan. But she kept a bottle of nyannichuan, then he took one and sent to us. That's how Shampoo got cured."

I was in awe. Ryoga did that?

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, It wasn't exactly easy to reach you back then." Mousse shrugged, reminding me of Akane's jealousy towards Shampoo. "We didn't insist much, since nyannichuan wouldn't be of use to you."

Well, screw the water; I wanted to know about Ryoga!

"What about Ryoga? Haven't heard of him in ages, y'know." I tried to sound casual.

"He didn't say much about him, only that he was in China for business." Shampoo said idly.

"Do you still have the letter? I wanted to keep in touch with him."

"I guess I do." She got inside to look for the letter. I try my best to look natural. She comes back with a postcard. I pick it up and start to read.

_"Hello Shampoo and Mousse;_

_I heard through the Jusenkyo guide that you both got married, congratulations! I know it's late, but I wish you both the best. I miss all the old gang a lot.  
Yes, here I am, at Jusenkyo. I came to China for business, and since I was close I decided to come by and check on the cursed springs. Bad news is that the waters on the springs are still mixed, and it's unlikely they will come back to normal anytime soon. _

_Anyway, the guide told me that the bird people in Mount Phoenix used to keep some cursed water in stock for disguises, so I got there to see if they had some yet. I met Kiima, she's still taking care of Saffron, who is now less of a brat than he used to be. Sadly, she told me they ran completely out of Nannichuan, but she had some spare bottles of Nyannichuan and I got one from her. As I see that at least Shampoo can be cured with that, I'm sending you the bottle. As a delayed wedding gift! _

_Well, anyway, send my regards to Cologne, Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Kasumi, Mr. Tendo and Mrs. Saotome. I'm looking forward for an opportunity to come back to Japan and see you all. _

_Sincerely, _

_Ryoga Hibiki."_

My heart was racing inside my chest. Shit, I felt like a fucking teenager. While my mind wondered he never brought himself to send me a postcard, I turned it to see if he wrote some way of contact. Nothing. As I pay attention on the postcard, I see that is from a photo studio, almost all in black. But there was a small footnote with an address and a phone number. I grab a pen and write it down, then I returned the postcard to Shampoo.

"Shamps, isn't it a wedding gift… I got ashamed, mine wasn't that good!"

"You don't say. I cried like a baby when I got it. I tried to reach him to say thanks, but the number in the postcard changed."

"Oh."

"Anyway, why are you so interested in finding him again all of a sudden?"

"Well, as you can see, I'm trying to get in touch with my friends, and he used to be a good one. I mean, when he wasn't trying to smash me to a bloody pulp, that is."

"Uh, sorry." She frowned, and asked in a soft voice. "So, how are you doing?"

"Getting better."

"You know, anything you need, we're here."

"Thanks." I stood up and prepare to leave. "Gotta go, now…" I pat her shoulder as I say goodbye.

I came home, determined to find any kind of hint I could about Ryoga whereabouts. I called the number, Shamps was right. But, as I made an online research on the address, I found the name of a fancy photo studio. And, while looking for information about this studio, I bumped on some information about him. Sparse, but still a beginning.

Apparently, Ryoga Hibiki turned out to be a photographer, as impossible as it may sound, owning this well-to-do studio with some associate partners and being well ranked in his profession despite his young age and short career. When he was in China, he was coordinating the photo shoot of a very famous fashion calendar. Seeking for more information, I saw some of his portfolio, which was really impressive; he was talented. Despite several artistic photos and some of documentaries, there were lots of fashion photos, with some of the hottest women I ever put my eyes on. Some of them were dressing very little. And, hell, with a job like that no way he would be available, let alone interested on me, male or female. I felt like the most stupid creature on Earth.

And, still, not able to reach him even if I wanted to be friends only.

I looked for something related to martial arts, using some of my special resources as a qualified instructor and professional fighter. Bingo, he attended several competitions in college tournaments, and was very well ranked on college leagues in America, even to the point he could have made this a career if he pressed on. No surprise in there, though: He actually was maybe the only one back then who could stand to my level. But I could not find much more than it, not even a picture of him.

So the photo studio remained as my best shot to get his whereabouts.

Idly searching on the related results of my online research about and his studio, I bumped in what seemed to be another fashion editorial, from a well ranked fashion magazine. Nice pictures, hot chick. In the credits, I saw the photographer, Yuri Kyione. I frowned again. Living a life shooting girls like that, even I, maybe-gay-Ranma-Saotome, wouldn't be able to resist.

Oh, whatever, I thought. A little more depressed than I was before, I called it for a day.

A couple days after, Ucchan called me. Wanted to check on me. And as she idly chatted about life in general, she told me that she met a guy who was a friend of a friend of Ryoga; and the guy told her that this friend of him had just moved back to Japan, and was settling a studio very close to Nerima. Even if she told me that to try and cheer me up, I was down.

For a while, I dropped the issue.

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Not much to say about that, but there's the other one too. And, next chapter... Ta-da!

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 02/24/2014


	6. The perfect crime

**Disclaimer:** Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s

**Warning:** This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.  
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.

* * *

Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.

OOO

OBS.: Fic formerly named as **Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial**, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.

This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named **Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper)**. It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.

Then, on with the show.

* * *

**Where I end and you begin**

**(The Midnight Cowboy)**

* * *

**The Perfect Crime**

* * *

_"Come and take a walk on the wild side  
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain  
(You like your girls insane)  
Choose your last words  
This is the last time  
'Cause you and I, we were born to die"  
_Born to die – Lana del Rey

* * *

_~Ranma Saotome's Journal; fifth entry._

After almost a year as a single man, I gradually set up my mind that I had to experience more contact – and that also meant sexual contact - with people, in either male of female form.

I started to hang out in clubs, and made some friends to hang out with. That was easy, I was well known as a martial artist and with some money to spend. Soon enough I discovered the wonders of parties, mild doses of alcohol and one night stands. But sometimes I grew suffocated with the attention I used to get as a guy. So, I started to party as a girl. That was fun: I would get some girl clothes, put them on and hang out. But when I partied as a girl, I use to hang out in gay-friendly clubs, in a way that people saw me as a dyke. I enjoyed that because I was a lot less harassed in such places than in regular clubs.

I gotta say – and believe me, this is not me being cocky - I was pretty much a hunk in male form, with a slender, yet well-defined muscular body, handsome face and blue eyes; and my female form grew to be a gorgeous redhead, not as short as I used to be but still well built to boot. Yet, I started to dress a lot different at that time, slowly abandoning some of my Chinese outfits in favor of more modern and good-looking ones.

As I proceeded with my experiencing, I grew to be comfortable to both men and women in foreplays and enjoying myself immensely, despite of getting laid with women only. Yet, despite all my new adventures, he was always on my mind, in everyone I made out or had sex with. The difference is that I wasn't hiding from it anymore, and it made things easier.

In some time, I was a lot better than right after my divorce. I got a penchant to hang out in gay friendly clubs as a girl, it seemed that I had my best times in places like those. At parties I used to dress a lot androgynous, relegating my Chinese shirts to teaching or training sessions only- Like a trademark of the martial artist I grew to be. But out of it, the way I dressed I could easily be taken as a femboy or a tomboy girl when in my cursed form.

However, to my folks at home, it became clear I was experiencing with my curse and was attracted to and women and men, to my mother's despair. Pops didn't seem to mind, though, as long as I kept fighting and practicing the Art. Until then I only used to have sex with girls, now both as male and female, but that was less and less a taboo in my head. Really, the main reason that I didn't do guys is that this particular activity seemed to remind me of him the most.

On one idly night, I went party at a new cool place in my girl form, because as a female I felt more comfortable to make out with boys and girls, and that was real fun to me. However, it wasn't a gay bar – clearly friendly to that, but also attended by straight people as well. I was dressed in a rather androgynous way, but with loose hair. I took a seat on the balcony of the bar; and since I gave myself some vacations from heavy training because I didn't have any major match in sight, I was really intending to get drunk, or get laid, luckily both.

And there I was, drinking my booze and minding my own business, when a very good-looking guy dressed in tight button shirt, vest and dark skinny jeans sit by my side. He had loose straight pitch-black hair almost to his waist, and a slender but well-toned body who told me he must work out a good bit, or be into some kind of sport. Also, somewhat feminine but very attractive face: slender features, pale skin, dark eyes, pouty lips. Looked like a trendy version of Konatsu, but much less girlish because he didn't seem to wear makeup and he wasn't dressing as a girl. However, his clothes, despite masculine, also did little to blatantly remark him as a guy. By his body language, though, I'd not pick him as straight.

Not that I particularly have the hots for femboys, but can't deny I considered maybe it should be a good idea dousing myself on hot water in the bathroom's club.

"Hey, you alone?" He asked me, and by the look in his eyes he seemed interested. Even better, though.

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh, okay if I stay here while I wait for my folks?"

"Sure, baby, suit yourself." I was already a little tipsy by then. "What's your name?"

"Yuri Kyione" He answered with a crooked smile. "You?"

I never gave my real name in my female form, what's the point? "Kaori Ono"

"You hang out around here very often?"

"No, it's my first time here. But I hang out a quite lot in places like this."

"So, Kaori, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a martial artist and mixed martial arts instructor." His name was nagging in the back of my head. It was familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. "You?"

"I'm a photographer." Then my mind cleared a bit, as I recalled where I knew this name from: it was the photographer that made that fashion editorial I saw in the internet.

"Uh, I guess I already saw one fashion editorial you made! Congratulations, pretty good material"

"Thanks!"

"And the model was a gorgeous babe, by the way. Any chance that she's one of your friends you're waiting for?" Okay, I was really really tipsy.

"Hahahahaha, lessee…" The crooked smile returned with a mischievous glint on his eyes that lasted for just a second. "Interested in chicks, you?"

"And who isn't, pal?"

"Have to agree on that." He gave me a good-hearted laugh. "You sure a lot of fun, Kaori. Mind if you could join us? We're kind of new in town and you're a really good company."

"Hey, thanks. Who are them you're waiting for?"

"Huh, those guys over there." He raises his hand, waving to two other guys who were walking in. "And… eh, sorry, no chicks."

"Nah, I don't discriminate that much." And then I checked on said friends.

One was obviously gaijin: tall, short light brown hair, light colored eyes. Not bad looking, but too gaijin for my tastes. However he had a nice muscular build, and by the way he moved I picked him as someone who practiced martial arts. The other one, however, really caught my attention: Hot muscular body like the other, but a much better looker: straight short dark hair with heavy bangs almost covering his light eyes, slender nose, sculpted chin and cheekbones, a sexy and well delineated mouth; could be a model or something. I felt heavily attracted by the second I laid my eyes on him.

Yuri stood to present them both. Despite the drinking and the dim light of the club, there was something really nagging in the back of my head. The dark haired guy seemed familiar.

"Huh, guys, this is Kaori Ono, funny chick I just met." I flashed my best welcome grin as they approached. Yuri continued. "These two are my partners in crime- I mean, we're setting a photo studio here."

My mind was processing things very slowly, thanks to the alcohol. I decided to get a grip on the booze. Photo studio…

Suddenly, the pieces of the puzzle got all together. Photo studio. Yuri Kyione. Hunkiest guy I ever seen in a long time, oddly familiar. He looks back to me, smiling and showing his elongated teeth with slightly proeminent fangs.

When realization hit me, I got dead sober.

"Kaori, these are my friends John Lemos and Ryoga Hibiki."

"Hey, Kaori." The gaijin said in good Japanese, but with a heavy accent.

"Hey." Ryoga greeted me, still smiling politely, not showing any signs of recognition so far.

It's no wonder I didn't recognize him at first. Ryoga changed a good bit: He surely used to be a good-looking boy, but in no way you could tell back then that he would be as gorgeous as he is now. To say that his development saved his best for last is an understatement.

Back in our teenage years, he used to be very gullible and fall for all my disguises. That was then. I knew I also changed a good bit, but I wasn't exactly in a disguise. I wanted so bad that he didn't recognize me now. Even more, I was praying that he couldn't see what he was doing to me.

"Hiya!" My legs turned into jelly. I leaned in the balcony, trying my very best to act casual and conceal the fact that I was trembling violently.

Ryoga continues to stare at me, his eyes carrying an unprecedented intensity. Sure, he always had these soulful eyes, and they are as beautiful as ever. But they've changed. They're still intense, but not as readable as they used to be, since the ever present rage is gone, as is also the desperate sadness we could see when the rage wasn't there for some reason. The sadness evolved for strong hints of something that resembles a kind of melancholic resignation that makes him cuter than ever.

Yuri leans to greet him, and holds him by the waist in a way that let me know they were close, very close. No straight man would let another guy touch him like that. My mind was spinning, trying to analyze whatever I can. And he was looking at me again.

"Why, Ryoga… Something wrong with me?" I asked in the best sly tone I could muster, but praying inwardly to not listen a 'Ranma, is that you' answer.

"You seem to look really familiar."

I froze inside.

"Yah, yah, everybody say that. I must have a pretty common face."

"Actually you don't" His eyes were burning me. All I could think at the moment was that I must find a way out of this. Fast. "You seem anything but common."

"Ohh, that was a compliment, Kaori." Yuri giggled. "They're not so easy to come from this man."

"Oh, thank you, sir." I bowed in mock demure.

"You welcome." He leaned a little closer to the balcony. I tried to get all the information I can about him, and divert the situation from me.

"So, you're a hot shot photographer just like our friend Yuri, right?"

"Miles away from hot shot, but yeah, I am a photographer."

"Must be really exciting, huh?"

"It has its ups and downs."

"Aw, c'mon, what could be a down? Lots of traveling, good paychecks…"

"Spoiled people, stupid fashion parties, dealing with some really annoying people… But I do like the ups better than I dislike the downs." He sat beside me on the bar, called the bartender with a wave and ordered a bottle of scotch. "What would you like to have?"

"Uh, nothing really, I had a little bit too much already."

"And isn't it a good thing?" He flashed me another warm look, and then giggled.

"Kaori, would you mind sharing the bottle with him... Please?" John got himself in the middle of our talk. "This twit likes booze a bit too much for his own good."

"Hey!"

"Don't 'hey' me, pal, we're new in town and you're the one supposed to guide us here."

"Fine, fine…" I was laughing, much more to the idea of Ryoga guiding those guys around the city than anything else. "I'll share a bottle with him."

He poured himself a glass of whiskey and handed another one to me. As I looked around, Yuri and the other guy were happily chatting and entertaining themselves with one another. I tried to drink my shot slowly, and I couldn't help to notice that he was almost finishing his one.

"Uh, thirsty, hm?"

"Yeah, a little." He poured himself another one, as I kept thinking my best shot to keep my disguise was to have him drunk and not paying too much attention on me.

"What about the models? I thought models would be on the ups, not on the downs."

"You got me on that: I don't like models very much, that's more Yuri's thing. I'd rather shoot landscapes, documentaries and stuff."

"So what do you like about what you do?"

"I have a flexible schedule; it gives me time for my hobbies. Traveling is something I enjoy a lot, too." For hobbies I got his martial arts training. His stance showed that he's still the martial artist he used to be before; and my bet is he's gotten even better. But this would be an obviously dangerous issue to bring on, it could really bust me.

"Speaking of hobbies," Yuri cut in. "Ryoga, you won't guess what she does for a living."

"Does it have to do with dance or martial arts?"

"I'm a martial arts instructor…" My heart was pounding inside my chest, since I know this is a very dangerous territory to me; but I wasn't playing innocent. "My stance gave me in, right?"

"Yeah, and as far as I'm concerned you must be a really good one." He answered with a smirk. Red hair, martial artist… I prayed all the gods I knew to keep him from connecting the dots and bust me.

"You don't seem to be half bad yourself." I poked him at his side playfully. "I'd say even a really good one. Wonder how you keep this alter ego of you."

"Hum, I used to be a wandering martial artist when I was a teenager; I guess old habits die hard." He looked rather uncomfortable.

"Wandering?"

"Y'know, he may be the most badass fighter I've ever seen in action, but he has the uncontestable worst sense of direction of the world." The other guy, John, cut in. "In college, he used to carry a GPS tracker everywhere he went. Even to the bathroom, I'd say."

"Hey, Lemos!" He cut his friend in irritation. I smiled inwardly; getting to relax me a little more. Like if I didn't know who used to be Ryoga Hibiki, who could manage to get lost inside of a fucking closet.

"Okay, okay." He turned to me. "But fear not, Kaori. He's got so used to follow the GPS tracker he actually got a sense of direction on his own. Lousy as fuck, but better than nothing. But he still carries the GPS thingie with him all the time, just in case."

"Hey! It's integrated to my phone, you know." Ryoga protested. John seemed to be funny. In other times I could tell him a story or two about the old Lost Boy.

"Oh, and there's the problem I told you about him and booze." John went on. "When he gets drunk he gets all sad and whiny, then loses his sense of direction AND can't operate the GPS thing. In this case, dear Kaori, we trust you to bring him home safe and sound, or God knows where the Hell he might show up. If he can give you the right directions, that is." We all burst into laughter, as Ryoga fumed. And in his fuming I could see a glimpse of the Ryoga I used to know.

"Don't you worry, mister. You're safe with me." I told him in a sultry tone.

"Okay, now that everybody had fun on my expense, let's please drop this?" He's still fuming, and knowing him as I used to I took the lead we all should stop this right now.

"Calm down, dude, we're just kidding." Yuri clutched his arm, brushing his fingers on it and then whispering something to Ryoga.

What the heck was this guy doing, touching him like that?

"Kid me not, you guys." Ryoga said, still a little mad.

Yuri smirked while asking for another drink.

"There's a nice bunch of pals you've got, man…" I observed to him, as the other two kept talking on their own.

"Ah, yes. But they have this thing for picking on me, though."

"How did you meet them?"

"College. Johnny over there was my roommate when I moved out of my parents. I met him through my old coach, back in LA. He used to be into martial arts too, until he blew up his knee. Today… The bastard is a prick, you see, but he's like the brother I never had."

"Your coach?" I'd also never imagine him with a coach. I mean, Ryoga training in a gymnasium with a coach on his hair?

"Um-" He took another large gulp of his shot. "Yeah. While I was in college, I used to be into mixed martial arts competitions… You know, college jock. John was pretty much like that, too, and he had the same coach as me. Hard times, but it helped me through college's tuition just fine, though."

"But Coach Hal made our life hell, that bastard." John butted in. "At least, that was what Ryoga here used to say every single day. Didn't you, Ryoga?"

"Fuck you, John." Ryoga rolled his eyes. "Not that the Coach was innocent, but you are an even bigger pain in my ass, for fuck's sake."

"Don't mind them, Kaori…" Yuri rolled his eyes. "Johnny's being such an annoyance because he's clearly jealous of you. Which brings me to ask why he's seeing you as a threat."

"I am not! This is a blatant lie from your distorted mind, Yuri." John said with mock indignation.

"Ah! I gotta ask: John, how is it you speak Japanese?"

"My father's company transferred him to Tokyo when I was eight, and we lived here until I was fifteen. Then he moved to L.A."

"But, as you can see, he never managed to get rid of this horrific accent." Yuri snorted. "I mean, I know this guy since forever and he always spoke like a wild-west american sheriff."

"Ah?"

"Yeah, yeah." John rolled his eyes. "Yuri here is my sister's best friend, and we used to take martial arts classes at the same Dojo as I did when I used to live here. And, after I moved back to L.A., he eventually moved there too, to take his fashion and design degree."

"Martial arts, _you_?" I turned to Yuri, surprised for not picking him as a martial artist before.

"Gotta do him justice" John answered me. "Femboy here's not your average fighter, but he used to be amazing at that back on our teens. Before he quit it all, went nuts and fled from Japan, that is."

"It was _ages_ ago." Yuri raised a cryptic eyebrow. Then he noticed my amusement. "I mean, I still practice then and there and keep my black-belt god-knows-how, but nothing even close to what Ryoga here calls 'keeping up'. I mean, geez, the dude trains his ass off almost as if he was going to have a big match anytime soon; diet and all."

"Whoa" That I definitely could picture in my head. "And how on earth you guys ended into photography, then?"

"I always been kinda die-hard for fashion, art and photography, and always wanted to make a life out of it." Yuri smirked. "The martial art stuff used to be a gig for my family. I mean, it's cool and all, but I'd never, ever live off of that – no offense, honey…"

"Not taken." I replied, and he went on.

"Anyway. Despite Coach 'Hell' and all, John was into arts and photography as much as me. You see, he's the thug with the camera, but he's got a really good eye for photos and digital editions – he's not his sister's brother over nothing. And through him we've got Ryoga. We rescued the guy from being an engineer, the poor thing. This, or he would be one of those cage fighters in UFC or something. A destiny Johnny Boy here missed by a fucked up knee, to what Mommy Lemos thanks Heaven to this date. Not that he isn't currently trying to finish said knee off training just as much as Ryoga, but at least he had to quit the competitions."

As Yuri entered the chatting and started to talk about how he hurt his knee to the point of getting him out of professional fighting, he monopolized John; and Ryoga was all mine again. It's funny how I caught myself wanting him to pay attention on me, despite my situation. I was nervous, my hands were cold; but I was managing to act natural.

"But, hey" I giggled, while the other two retreated bickering about something. "You don't seem to have a bad knee like John. Did you just decide to stop fighting in the circuit, then?"

"Tournaments and official matches? For now, I think. I like photoshooting better, I guess. So does John, despite his knee and all…"

"And what about Yuri? I dig he's a friend of John's…" I really worked up my nerve here, but I was curious. I mean, I am a martial artist, part of my job on it is reading people's moves; and the way the Yuri guy moved around him…

"He went to the same college as me and always been around him, but it took me a while to get to know him better." He was slurring a bit, but still I could sense he was keeping something from me. "Uh… may I ask you something personal?"

"Sure."

"What were you asking Yuri about, before?"

"Ah, I once saw a photo shoot he did, the chick was really something. I kinda asked him if she was among the friends he was waiting for."

"Oooh… Then, if you're interested on chicks…" He averted his eyes to the bar, his expression unreadable. Then he looked at me, a little uneasy. "I mean, I shouldn't really ask you this, but…" He trails off, as if to think about a better way to ask me what he wants. I realized what he wants to know.

"I see. I swing both ways, y'know." I couldn't get him to think that I wasn't interested. I mean, it was the chance of a lifetime, right? Then a part of my mind told me I couldn't be serious.

"And you are… Straight?" I worked up my nerve. I mean, he sure wasn't paying attention to other guys, but still the way Yuri touched him seemed too much for 'just friends'. Nonetheless, the name bothered him a bit.

"Let's say, I like people."

"That's a really nice definition."

"Yeah, I worked on that in my mind for a while." He seemed a little pensive, and then he gave me a deep look, his eyes more beautiful than ever.

"Now" I leaned closer, so close that I'm just a couple inches away from him, and whispered in his ear. "I really like to be here, with you."

My breath faltered as I said that. I could feel his scent, which I remember so well. He was using a perfume, a really good one, but his scent was there, beneath the smell of smoke from the club, his perfume and my own. It had the same devastating effect as years ago. My mind was screaming at me I shouldn't do that, I really shouldn't. "_What if he finds it out?_", I kept thinking, but that other part of my mind that was so affected cooed to me "_what if he doesn't?_"

He leaned his head on my direction, saying nothing.

I raised my hands and cup his face and kissed him. At first I just brushed my lips on his, feeling an electric jolt at the contact. I pressed my lips harder, he embraced me with his strong arms and held me close as he forced my mouth open and deepened the kiss. I've kissed quite a few people already, but nothing was like that one. He doesn't just look good and smell good. He tastes even better, even with the aftertaste of scotch on him. And he is an incredible kisser. If I had the chance to do it earlier, I would've gladly given myself up to him and to the hell with anything else. We continued to kiss, over and over again, his strong arms clutching me, as I felt his muscles beneath his clothes. Nothing I ever felt in my life was like this.

"Wouldn't you like to go somewhere else?" My voice was hoarse with arousal.

"Are you sure?" He nibbled my neck with his nose, but his tone seemed oddly concerned.

"Yes."

"Would you mind going to my place?"

"Not at all… And your friends…"

"They're big boys, they can handle themselves…"

We fled the club and took a cab to his place, a small loft close to my own. As we got there, we started to kiss again, and all of a sudden I could see ourselves taking each other clothes off. As my hands touched his body, as his hands went through mine, we shared steaming kisses that were setting my soul on fire. Hands down, that was the most erotic thing I've ever shared with anyone, and that were just foreplays.

His body was a state of art; as tall as my male form, slightly tanned, muscular, well-defined and slender, he was more beautiful than I ever imagined him to be. I could feel the shiver in his skin as he touched and kissed me, he's enjoying this as much as I am. And Gods, he knows how to touch a girl. Somewhere in the back of my head, I wondered how the naïve nosebleeding Ryoga I used to know turned out to be a lover like this. I felt him laying me on his bed, as he undressed the rest of his clothes. He was moving gracefully; his muscles tantalizing their power within. I touched him; in a way I know he'd never allow me to, and felt his hands on my body in a way he'd never do to me. And it felt good. Fantastic, really.

A part of my mind, however, kept screaming in my head, pleading me to stop. "_This is so wrong_" it screamed at me, saying he needs to know I am… Ranma. Not some chick. Not some ordinary one-time gig from a random party at a club.

But there he was; setting me on fire by kissing and nibbling my neck, then my collarbone, then lowering his attentions to my breasts and then lower and lower, until he's going down on me. And, boy, it was _good_. I'd done it already to some chicks to wonder on how good it might be, but never let someone try it on me, until now. He didn't disappoint a bit, and made me moan and scream in pleasure several times in a row. Then I turned him onto his back and straddled him to get him inside of me. For the very first time in my life I had someone in me, I didn't care one bit. I felt no pain at all, conditioned by ignore pain as I've been, and the awkward sensation of being full gave place to something much better. And I rode him, harder as the pleasure grew with the need, and I started to make it rougher on pure instinct. He was also melting under my attentions, I felt him tremble slightly while he grabs my hips and force me to move roughly up and down and then raising his back to sit down and kiss me. And his face, flushed with parted lips while panting in my mouth, was even more stunning than in my wildest dreams of him. Every other time I'd experienced something like this it would remind me of him, but not this time. Not with this intensity, not even close. This time, he _was_ there.

Words can't really do it justice.

It took all my stamina to stay awake, as he recovered to start it all over again. We did it several times more; I let him make me his plaything, as he let me make him mine. I never, ever shared such abandon, such intimacy with anyone else. This was the thing that marked my soul so many years ago, so deeply that it wouldn't disappear, or even fade. It was there every time I dared to look inside of me. I fought against it, because of the obligations and duties which were imposed on me, and lost. Then I fought a hard battle against myself to demolish the image that was constructed for me, and reinvent myself in my own terms. And, when I was ready, fate put him back on my life.

As we wore ourselves out and he drifted to sleep, I remained awake to look at him. And, gods, he's _beautiful_. He changed a lot, but now, asleep by my side, with his arms around me, he looked almost like that Ryoga of years ago. My fingers brushed his face, as if trying to memorize his features; and his skin felt incandescent under my touch.

What I felt then, I never dared to name it. Lust, infatuation, obsession, I don't know. I just knew it was strong, strong enough to be called even… love. I shivered to this thought. Was it love, all this time? If so, how could I keep living, that I finally had him?

I knew I had to make a decision, I wasn't just some chick he met at a club, was I? No, I'm a guy, a guy who was also a girl, but a guy nonetheless. Even worse, I'm not a random guy, I'm Ranma. How would he deal with this? If he knew who I was, would he do it? I locked my gaze to his face. What now? Could I live without this? Could I live without him? Would he want me if he knew who I am?

Of course not.

I spent hours looking at him in his sleep, fearing the time I'd have to leave and go home, because then… I'd never see it again. When my time came, I leaned to kiss him, and he stirred, opening his eyes slowly. As he saw me, he gave a lazy smile.

"Hello…"

I smiled back to him. He put his arm around me, and pulled me close to him, leaving a trail of kisses from my head to my lips. I snuggled myself on his embrace, knowing that soon I'll have to leave, but, oh, I wanted to stay…

I couldn't keep this travesty for long.

"Hey, listen…" I kissed him lightly on his lips over and over again while I tried to stand up and then grab my stuff. "I gotta go… But I'll leave the curtains shut, you sure deserve your rest."

He frowned a bit, still sleepy. I was dressing myself fast while fighting a lump on my throat; suddenly afraid the dawn would bust my cover.

"Hey, Kaori…"

"Yeah?" I turned to face him from his room's door.

"Can I see you again?"

I was barely breathing; the lump on my throat more painful than any kick, any blow I ever got, even from him. His scent was all over the room, and everywhere in my mind.

I knew better than that. I knew this was bound to not last.

"Sure, baby. Give me your number, I'll call you."

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

This is it, people - all the former chapters came to explain how this could happen - so what's next, now?

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 02/27/2014


	7. House of cards

**Disclaimer:** Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s

**Warning:** This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.  
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.

* * *

Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.

OOO

OBS.: Fic formerly named as **Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial**, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.

This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named **Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper)**. It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.

Then, on with the show.

* * *

**Where I end and you begin**

**(The Midnight Cowboy)**

* * *

**House of cards**

* * *

_"I'm coming through the door  
But they're expecting more  
Of an interesting man  
Sometimes I think I can  
But how much can I fake  
I'll speak until I break  
With every word I say  
Offend in every way"  
_Offend in every way – The White Stripes

* * *

~_Ranma Saotome's Journal - sixth entry._

As I came home, the reality of that mistake crushed me. My conscience – or whatever I have in its place – kept screaming at me all the ways in what I did was wrong, wicked, and would be misinterpreted in each and every way possible. I mean, come on: How many times did I tease Ryoga on my female form before? Wasn't that the trick I'd pull to put him down, pester him or take him out of my way?

And this time it wasn't an innocent prank – I had sex with him pretending to be someone else.

I mean, even if that guy from the club touched him funny and he didn't confirm to be straight, I was pretending to be some random chick, not me. He didn't bed a guy, didn't bed _me_, he did the girl I was pretending to be.

_"We hardly are those kids anymore"_, I could hear his voice from years ago chanting in my mind.

Indeed. We're not those kids, are we? Is anything left of the kids you and I used to be, Ryoga? Will we ever know?

This time, maybe, was the first one I felt hurt to turn into the man I really am.

I went to my bed, trying my best to sleep; but I couldn't. In the bath, I vowed I would not call him. 'Kaori' would never make her appearance again. But other part of me wanted to call him, set another date – this time a proper one – and let him take me all over again.

That aside, I just knew it didn't stop there. My jig could be up anytime he'd see me on my girl form. Yes, I know Nerima isn't the same place as when he left and red hair is a quite common trait over here nowadays thanks to hair dye and all, but still.

I didn't throw the paper away, though. Instead, I placed it in a small tin in the drawer beside my bed. Why? Because I am stupid, that's why.

However, to make up for my own stupidity, the first thing I did early on the morning of the day after was take my soap bar from Jusenkyo to lock myself male for a while. I knew very, very well that it would be just a matter of time for us to be officially introduced again, so keeping accidents with cold water away would be an excellent idea.

And heh, wasn't I right. It didn't take long to the news about his comeback reach my ears.

At first, no one knew that Ryoga was back. But then Nabiki found him in an art exposition, and soon the entire Nerima crew was aware of his return. Everyone was happy to see him again and really surprised about how much he changed. Then Ukyo threw a party for the inauguration of the third restaurant of her franchise and, of course, insisted on him to come.

It was the first time I met him as Ranma after his comeback.

On my side, all I could say is that I was even more nervous than the night at the club. Beside the anticipation, I couldn't help the sensation he would bust me as soon as he laid his eyes on me; but I knew well enough our meeting was unavoidable. On that night, I got dressed to this party as if I was to go on a death row. I bathed, put some perfume, did my hair into a brand new pigtail, picked my best outfit.

Ranma Saotome has an image to keep, after all.

When I got at Ucchan's, everyone was there; except him. A few moments later, however, my time was up. "There's someone who must be dying to scream 'Ranma Saotome, prepare to die'!" I heard Ukyou's playful voice when she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the front hall, where he was now standing just after he arrived. And my entire body started to tingle numbly with dread when his eyes met mine. The same eyes of the man I've shared some of the most intimate moments of my life with just a few days ago.

On the stronger lights of Ucchan's, he looked even better than at that club, for fuck's sake. And for a moment, there was _something_ on his eyes that almost set me in panic, but then he walked towards me and raised his arm for a handshake.

"Ryoga Hibiki" I steadied myself and crooked the cocky smile I am so well known to have. "Long time no see, eh, Mr. P?"

"Ranma Saotome" He smiled back, his fangs and his teeth creating a killer smile on his own. "Indeed, long time no see."

"I warn you guys," Ukyou said playfully. "No fighting in the restaurant, okay?"

"Sure thing, Ucchan" I replied, easing myself as best as I could, feeling a short pang of relief to know my cover isn't at stake. "Today won't be the day I'll 'prepare to die'" And, as I said it, his sly smile turned into a laughing, one I don't remember him having so many years ago.

"You don't have to, really" He said. "I won't warn you when your time's up, Saotome."

He got there late, of course. But not because he got lost: He said his cab took too long to pick him up at his place. Sure, having money on his pocket and his GPS equipped phone now prevented the wanderings just fine; but everyone noticed how he managed not to get lost inside of Ucchan's, which is a remarkable improvement for the boy he used to be. And, sure, everybody wanted to know what the hell he had been doing with his life while away from Nerima and from the old gang. And, for a moment, I even thought things would turn out smoothly.

Then I realized he was barely talking to me. He, the man who I spent the night with, was not even looking at me, as if I was a total stranger. Which I was: He didn't make love to me, he did it to Kaori. And, right then, I was Ranma, his former buddy he hadn't seen for almost ten years. But that was my rational mind thinking, which did nothing to appease the urge of having him paying attention to me.

However, as Akane started to monopolize him with her demands on knowing how L.A. was like, my uneasiness grew much worse. Not out of fear of getting myself busted, but on a slight sense of jealousy he'd get to pay attention on her all over again. Well, Akane _was_ his first big crush and the reason behind all the 'P-chan' farce, and now she was single. Not technically single because she was seeing someone and so, but at least she wasn't married to me anymore, nor in an engagement. And, for all I could see sitting beside them, they still had that 'click' they used to have as friends, which Ryoga used to read all wrong as a fuel for his old hopes with her. And sometimes he even seemed as awkward around Akane as he used to be when he was wooing her while lacking the guts to tell how he really felt.

And paying attention on what he was doing while talking to her, I was having one shot after another without even noticing.

"My, my, Ryoga." Akane said, her smile also in her eyes, something I saw little when she was with me. "You changed a good bit..."

"Oh, c´mon… I didn't change much more than you all did."

"Indeed, you did. Photographer, you? My, I wouldn't see it coming in a long shot." Ukyou complied.

"Why yes; photographer, me!" Ryoga gave them a good hearted laugh. "C'mon, Ukyou, how would you see me after all those years? As an engineer?"

"Why you, Ryoga, it seemed to me much more likely than you taking pictures for a living and making money out of it, ne?" Ukyou answered, poking him.

"Or getting lost from L.A. to Nerima and tryin' to beat me up one more time over a bread feud." I said; the alcohol and my irritation getting the best of me and setting my foot straight up to my mouth. "That sounds more likely."

The chit-chat was cut for a short moment, and Ryoga held his gaze on me. His expression was unreadable. Akane, however, glared at me; her expression crystal clear of her disapproval. Then Ukyou, already a little tipsy herself, shot the deadly question.

"So, Ryoga, as you're not with Akari since ages ago… Rumor has it you're single. Anyone in mind?"

Everyone laughed, Ryoga included.

"Not yet."

My blood boiled in my veins.

No one? I would show him.

"Ah, but it shouldn´t be a problem…" Nabiki said to him. "I gotta say that you're a much better catch now than then, if you know what I mean. So, are you available?"

"Nabiki!" Kuno said in mock outrage. "I'm right here, you know…"

"Yes you are, but I heard through the grapevine our Ryoga here is making good money on his shoots. And I always had a talent on taking pictures for good cash, hadn't I Kuno baby?"

As they both were giggling to each other, I sensed my opportunity.

"Ooohh, As I see, Mr. P stole my place as "Most wanted bachelor in town!" I said, frowning. "This may be the first time he wins me on something."

"Nooooo Ranma. You know you'll always be Nerima most wanted guy ever!" Nabiki, also tipsy, was openly mocking me.

Again, everyone laughed, except for him. His expression was unreadable again, but his eyes were glinting. He was starting to get angry. And, well, I haven't lost my touch: No one on Earth could make Ryoga angrier than me.

But he would not give in; not here, not now, not yet.

"Nah, Nabs. I ain't no hot shot, you know that…" I was sipping my drink slowly. He was glaring at me.

"No hot shot? You gotta be kidding me, Ranma. I know a bunch of people that would come to you in a second if you just whistle at them. Thanks God Shampoo is not included anymore and neither is Ukyo, but the rest of Nerima girls are clearly interested…" Mousse, drunk as he was, and not knowing what exactly he was getting into, went on and on with the issue. Ryoga was getting angrier; he knew that behind the jokes was a hint of truth. Such old feelings could yet come back for haunting. And I was Ranma. He would never – ever – take that from me.

"Well, who am I to contest that, eh, Mousse? We all know the say, Ranma Saotome always wins." Ryoga raised his drink for a toast, in which everyone joined him. "Let's celebrate, guys… To Ranma!"

Motherfucker.

I mock laughed in the toast, but I was really mad. I could punch him senseless right there and right then, and I was barely holding myself back. No one could tell how angry I got.

Maybe with the exception of Akane, who as soon as possible pulled me to a corner.

"Ranma, care to explain what the hell were you trying to do before, talking to Ryoga like that?"

"Chill out, Akane. No need to be all touchy-touchy on how I talk to the pig-boy. He's perfectly able to take the heat and don't explode in a Shi-shi-Hokodan, if you hadn't noticed yet."

"I am not worried about him, you jerk; since he always had more manners than you. But I have the slightest impression you're messing up – and badly."

"And how exactly am I messing up the lost dodo?" I shot back. "Didn't you see him _cheering_ me?"

"Oh… You are jealous of the attention he's getting, aren't you?" Akane sighed. "And here I thought you might have been talking serious when you told me all that crap about him when we split up."

"I was _dead_ serious." My voice lowered a bit.

"Then what is it you're antagonizing him on your very first opportunity to talk to him after all those years? You got 'over' it or what?"

Not my first opportunity, but I couldn't tell Akane, of all people, what I did. And it didn't help me cope with the massive frustration I was feeling.

"Akane, why don't you jus' go there and let him chat you up happily as he's been doing all night?"

"Chat me… what? Ranma, really, he's just talking to me!" She chided, and realization sank in me – she was right. And even if she's not… Who am I to ask something of him? I am Ranma, his old rival at martial arts, and also his old rival for Akane's heart.

To see him acting like that to her, of all people, was harder than I ever thought to be. The same guy who had me on his bed, who made me feel the way I felt then, the guy who's been in my mind all those years was on my arm's reach; yet I could do shit while he was all attentions to with my ex-wife.

Not as Ranma Saotome, at least.

I dismissed Akane giving her reason on her remarks, saying whatever she wanted to hear.

The party went on, and both he and I talked casually with each other. Yes, he asked me about the Tendo-Saotome school; and I was told about his years as a mixed martial arts college athlete in L.A. And when everybody learned how hard he was training as an athlete in the college circuit, the unavoidable happened and everyone suggested the same – we, as sparring partners.

That got both of us uneasy: he, because that was Nerima and martial arts was my element, and he was all about showing everyone he's not that old Ryoga anymore… And me, because the last person in the world I'd like to roll over a training mat with would be him. I shouldn't, not after what I did to him at that night.

But no one would let the idea go.

"Ryoga, c'mon" Akane pressed on. "You won't want to lose the edge you trained so hard to get, right?"

"Oh, well…" Ryoga tilted his head. "I'm not into competitions anymore, and the studio will keep me a lot busy…"

"So you quit training for now?" Mousse asked, genuinely curious. "Because by your stance, it really seems you didn't; much the other way around."

"Well, no…"

"Well, if you're still training" Akane pointed out. "You might as well do that on the Main Dojo, where Ranma teaches and trains. Of course you guys won't duel or anything; but I don't really see anyone better to keep you fit than him…"

I don't know what the fuck she had on her head to say that, maybe she was trying to get us on good terms again or bring him closer to me and all; but to me it seemed a bad, very bad idea.

"…Right, Ranma?"

"Well, yes" I said, then again my mouth taking the best out of me. "I am curious to see what new tricks Ryoga had learned. Not that they would help him not getting his ass kicked, but still."

"Okay, then" He shrugged. "I actually owe Ranma some sparring sessions – and some good beatings as well…"

"My, now we're talking like the ol' times" Ukyou giggled.

When I went home, the whole idea of getting pieces and bits of that past back into my life was getting me terrified, to say the least. No, I didn't want to be his sparring buddy, nor his rival over Akane Tendo's love. Didn't wanna any of this shit again. Not after what I felt, of what I had that night, when he was inside of me, when he was moaning his pleasure on my mouth while we were coming together.

I'd damn well rather to not see him ever again than be the old Ranma to him.

And certainly I didn't want him to go all the way back to Akane, trying to compete with her new boyfriend as he used to do with me. I couldn't abide that, I just wouldn't lose him that way.

I spent the next day on a hot bathtub, scrubbing myself to get the soap out. Then, when a cold spree of water was able to change me to a girl, I went for his phone number inside of that tin and then for my own phone – a secondary number, actually; because I ain't that stupid to call him from my main number, especially to do what I was about to do.

After some rings, he picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, baby." I said, in a cheerful and sexy tone. "Did you miss me?"

OOO

* * *

To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Okey, now's the time y'all will say "Ranma... You shouldn't". But gee, despite Ranma's good intentions, he didn't change from being sometimes the inconsiderate jerk who's going to take what he wants on his way to victory... But how's gonna Ryoga take it?

Stay tuned!

* * *

Human Being, 03/05/2014


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